In my years as a games journalist I’ve built up a sizeable repertoire of contacts I can get in touch with to verify rumours, ask questions, what have you.
Sometimes these sources, under an agreement of anonymity, will reveal juicy information to me so I can report on it.
Last week one of these sources forwarded me the mother lode: the entire scripts to Sony’s E3 Press Conference, Microsoft’s E3 Press Conference and Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event.
It is my journalistic duty to present these to you so you know exactly how each conference is going to go, starting with Sony’s. You’re welcome.
To anyone at Columbia University looking to contact me regarding my Pulitzer Prize: my email address can be found in the sidebar to the right.
Until then, here is Sony’s E3 2015 conference, in its entirety, more than a week before it is due to be presented. Some content subject to change.
SONY COMPUTER ENTERTAINMENT
ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT EXPO 2015 CONFERENCE SCRIPT
— HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENT —
DO NOT DISTRIBUTE TO ANYONE NOT ON THE PRE-APPROVED RECIPIENT LIST
VENUE: LA Memorial Sports Arena
DATE: June 15, 2015
TIME: 18:00 PT
[CONFERENCE TO BEGIN AT 18:20 TO BUILD HYPE]
[BEGIN WITH SIZZLE REEL (TO BE COMPILED) SHOWING VARIETY OF PLAYSTATION GAMES. VIDEO MANAGER TO ENSURE GAMES SHOWN IN SIZZLE REEL HAVE ALREADY BEEN ANNOUNCED, SO AS NOT TO SPOIL NEW TITLES REVEALED DURING THE CONFERENCE. THIS WILL ALSO SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINT GAMERS TRYING TO BE EAGLE-EYED AND SPOT NEW GAMES IN ADVANCE]
[ANDREW HOUSE, GROUP CEO OF SCEI TO TAKE STAGE]
ANDREW HOUSE
Good evening! Thank you to everyone who’s come here tonight to this needlessly large 16,000 seat arena, and thank you to the many PlayStation gamers watching live across the world right now.
The last year has been an immensely exciting one for PlayStation, with sales exceeding our wildest expectations. Since its launch in late November 2013, we have sold over 24 million PlayStation 4 consoles: that’s 133 times the population of Swansea. I’m Welsh.
In January we also officially launched our exciting streaming service PlayStation Now in the United States, and it’s currently undergoing a beta period in the UK.
This morning I was informed that we apparently still have a handheld doing the rounds too, but I don’t have exact details to hand regarding that. Naturally, we’ll be focusing on the PS4 today because that’s the successful one.
Today we’re going to be showing you a total of [NUMBER TO BE CONFIRMED: CHECK WITH TEAM ICO TO SEE IF ‘THE LAST GUARDIAN’ IS READY] titles that will be coming exclusively to PlayStation 4. And by ‘exclusively’ I could mean anything from only ever available on our console, to out on the PS4 digital store an hour before the Xbox One’s store updates.
I’d like to start this conference the way we ended our last one: with the next game in Naughty Dog’s fantastic Uncharted series. Please welcome to the stage Neil Druckmann, creative director of Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End.
[NEIL DRUCKMANN TO TAKE STAGE]
NEIL DRUCKMANN
Enter a world where the mysteries of ancient history lie waiting to be discovered by those seeking the ultimate adventure.
Enter a world of conspiracy, intrigue and a fabled fortune, the journey to find which will test your abilities, your relationships and – if the stealth bits are like in The Last Of Us –your patience.
Enter a world with tomb raiding that isn’t Tomb Raider, fighting pirates that aren’t in Assassin’s Creed IV.
Enter the world… of Nathan Drake.
[45-MINUTE ‘LIVE’ GAMEPLAY DEMO OF THE GAME’S THIRD LEVEL TO TAKE PLACE, WITH IRONIC ‘IN THE INTEREST OF TIME’ CAPTIONS THROWN IN AT RANDOM MOMENTS]
[GUIDANCE NOTE: THIS IS ONE OF OUR BIGGEST RELEASES OF THE YEAR SO IT IS IMPORTANT THAT WE SHOW OFF FAR TOO MUCH GAMEPLAY, SO VIEWERS GO BEYOND EXCITED AND INSTEAD BECOME ANXIOUS WE’RE SPOILING TOO MUCH AND BUYING TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT TALKING ABOUT GAMES THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT YET]
NEIL DRUCKMANN
I’m proud to vaguely announce that Rise Of The Uncharted 4: Black Flag will be released in Spring 2016, exclusively on PlayStation 4.
ANDREW HOUSE
That’s not all, Neil. In October we’re releasing Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection for PlayStation 4, containing remastered versions of Drake’s entire adventure so far: Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception.
NEIL DRUCKMANN
Um, what about the Vita one?
ANDREW HOUSE
Neil Druckmann, everybody.
[NEIL DRUCKMANN TO AWKWARDLY LEAVE AND BE REPRIMANDED BACKSTAGE BY KAZ HIRAI FOR REMINDING VIEWERS THE VITA EXISTS]
ANDREW HOUSE
As a little bonus to our dedicated Uncharted fans, anyone who pre-orders Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection will also receive The Nathan Drake pack: a selection of exclusive in-game skins featuring “iconic Nathan Drake outfits”. Even though they can’t be that iconic if he doesn’t already wear them in the games.
You’ll also get exclusive access to the Uncharted 4 multiplayer beta, giving you a first taste of the mode nobody will play when the game is finally released.
Finally, we’ve also registered the trademark to the pun Uncharted: The Master Thief Collection, meaning any games journalists who try to crack that joke in their reviews may be subjected to a lawsuit.
[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]
ANDREW HOUSE
Moving on, please welcome to the stage – for possibly the last time ever – Hideo Kojima.
[HIDEO KOJIMA TO TAKE STAGE. LAWYER NOTE: UPDATE STATUS TO ORANGE ALERT. STREAM HAS A FIFTEEN-SECOND DELAY, BE READY TO EDIT]
HIDEO KOJIMA
Hello everyone. In 2013 I showed Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain during the Microsoft E3 conference. In 2014 I showed it again, this time during the Sony E3 conference. This year I am contractually obliged to show it once more, after which I will be done with shilling this fucking game for those pricks at Konami.
[18-MINUTE TRAILER FOR ‘METAL GEAR SOLID V’ FEATURING MUSIC BY SOME OTHER UK ACT THAT USED TO BE BIG DECADES AGO. KULA SHAKER OR SOMETHING]
HIDEO KOJIMA
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is nearly ready. I have poured my heart and soul into this game. I am empty. I have nothing left. You have finished me, Konami. I place a curse on the family of Konami founder Kagemasa Kozuki and subsequently his indirect family and that of all Konami employees.
ANDREW HOUSE
Um… Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain will be released on PlayStation 4 on September 1.
HIDEO KOJIMA
Don’t buy it. I’ve already been paid for it. Don’t line those fuckers’ pockets.
[HIDEO KOJIMA TO SWAN DIVE OFF STAGE, INTO THE ARMS OF THE WAITING DAVID HAYTER. BOTH TO RUN OUT OF THE VENUE SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]
ANDREW HOUSE
We know why you’re really here. You want to see new games. You want to see the new experiences coming to PlayStation 4 in the future, brand new adventures to get you excited.
At PlayStation we’ve been working hard on a bunch of new exclusives to meet those very needs. Take a look at this:
[TRAILER FOR ‘THE ORDER 1887: FIVE MORE HOURS’]
ANDREW HOUSE
Return to the same critically acclaimed world of The Order 1886 with a sequel offering another five whole hours of gameplay, two hours of which will consist of cut-scenes.
Building on the features that gamers loved in the first title, The Order 1887: Five More Hours will feature an even wider aspect ratio.
The first game ditched the conventional 16:9 ratio in favour of a more cinematic 2.40:1. This time we’re taking it even further than with an eye-dropping 7.30:1 ratio, making a game that, for the first time ever, looks even more cinematic than cinema itself.
ANDREW HOUSE
The Order 1887: Five More Hours will be released some time in 2016. Or 2017.
Our next exclusive title is one you saw a glimpse of at last year’s E3. Imagine a game full of QTEs that was even less interactive than Heavy Rain but yet somehow looks like it might be better.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Until Dawn.
[TRAILER FOR ‘UNTIL DAWN’]
ANDREW HOUSE
Until Dawn is the future of interactive movies, with a star-studded cast providing the game’s motion-captured performances. To best highlight this, we’ve invited one of them to join us tonight. Please welcome to the stage the star of Heroes and… um, Heroes Season 2, Hayden Panetierre!
[HAYDEN PANETIERRE TO TAKE STAGE]
HAYDEN PANETIERRE
I’ve been starring in Nashville for three years and have been nominated for two Golden Globes, by the way.
ANDREW HOUSE
Hayden, what exactly was it that made you want to get involved with Until Dawn?
HAYDEN PANETIERRE
Well, you know, I’ve done voice acting for a number of video games in the past, most notably the Kingdom Hearts games, so the idea of starring in a game isn’t one that was foreign to me. That said, this is the first time I’ve properly been ‘in’ a game, appearance and performance and all, so it’s been a really exciting and interesting challenge for me.
ANDREW HOUSE
Besides, you’ve probably been twiddling your thumbs since Heroes ended, waiting for it to come back.
HAYDEN PANETIERRE
I’m in Nashville, you ignorant cu-
ANDREW HOUSE
Hayden Panetierre, everyone. Save the cheerleader, save your game regularly.
[HAYDEN PANETIERRE TO STORM OFF STAGE, STOPPING ONLY TO SWING A PUNCH AT ANDREW HOUSE. STAGE MANAGER NOTE: IT IS IMPORTANT THAT SHE MISSES THIS PUNCH OTHERWISE GAMERGATE WILL HAVE A FIELD DAY]
ANDREW HOUSE
Until Dawn will be released on August 25 in North America and August 26 in Europe, exclusively on PlayStation 4. Yes, that’s right, a PS4 survival horror exclusive that hasn’t actually been cancelled.
[STAGE MANAGER NOTE: PLEASE ENSURE HIDEO KOJIMA HAS DEFINITELY LEFT THE ARENA BEFORE THE ABOVE LINE IS SAID]
ANDREW HOUSE
Brand new IPs are all well and good, but there are some classic PlayStation franchises that fans have been asking us for years to see return. Take a look at one heroic dog who’s finally making a comeback.
[PARAPPA THE RAPPER VIDEO TO PLAY. THIS VIDEO SHOWS ARCHIVE FOOTAGE FROM THE OLD PARAPPA GAMES. SOUND ENGINEER NOTE: PLEASE LEAVE THE ARENA AUDIO ON DURING THIS VIDEO SO VIEWERS CAN HEAR THE CROWD CHEERS WHEN PARAPPA IS SHOWN]
ANDREW HOUSE
PaRappa The Rapper hasn’t starred in his own game for an enormous 13 years. And now he’s finally making his return… in the form of an exclusive PaRappa costume for LittleBigPlanet 3!
[PAUSE FOR ENORMOUS APPLAUSE]
ANDREW HOUSE
The PaRappa costume is exactly what PaRappa The Rapper fans have been waiting for, and it’ll be available right after this conference for $8.99.
Of course, PlayStation 4 isn’t just the home of big-budget, triple-A first-party titles like Knack and Everybody’s Golf. It’s also home to some of the finest indie games you’ll see on any console.
With that in mind, it’s time for the obligatory montage video in which we show you loads of indie games coming to PS4 in the coming year. We’re massively proud of our indie library on PlayStation 4, which is why following this conference we will never promote or mention any of these games ever again.
[INDIE GAME MONTAGE TO PLAY. AS OF THE LATEST REVISION (WAITING ON CONFIRMATION FROM SOME DEVELOPERS) THE FOLLOWING GAMES ARE TO APPEAR IN THE VIDEO:
• SUPER HARD 2D PLATFORMER 3 – TEAM REFERENCE
• DUNCAN McMASCOT AND THE ‘8-BIT’ ADVENTURE THE NES WOULDN’T ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO HANDLE – NOSTALGIA STUDIOS
• STEAMPUNK ADVENTURES – ORIGINALITY INC.
• HILARIOUSLY UNCONTROLLABLE SLOTH SIMULATOR – THE WACKY WANKS
• DEFEND YOUR TOWERS – GENRE MILKER STUDIOS
• THOMAS WAS ALONE – MIKE BITHELL
• THAT GAME YOU KICKSTARTED BUT WON’T EVER COME OUT – TEAM OVERAMBITIOUS
• ARTY EXISTENTIAL CRISIS PLATFORMER – PRETENTIOUS GAMES
VIDEO EDITOR NOTE: LIAISE WITH MARKETING DIRECTOR TO CONFIRM NEW SLOGAN FOR PS4 INDIE LINE-UP IS ‘PLAYSTATION 4 INDIE: THE FREE PS PLUS GAMES OF THE FUTURE’]
[KAZ HIRAI TO TAKE STAGE]
KAZ HIRAI
So far we’ve only spoken about PlayStation 4 games. But there’s another piece of hardware we know a lot of you have been asking us to create more games for. I’m here to tell you not to worry: we’ve been listening.
Next week we will release a new update for Playroom that will add a new game mode, bringing new life to your PlayStation 4 Camera. I can’t remember what the update is: you get to fuck around with the monkeys from Ape Escape or some shite like that.
That’s all I’ve got. Oh wait, no, the Vita. I forgot about that. A couple of you asked about Vita stuff. Yeah. we’re taking $10 off the price of PlayStation TV, so you can play Vita games on your television for cheaper. That’s it.
Look, Vita doesn’t make us money, fuck it. Get back on the stage Andrew and do the virtual reality shit, let’s get this over with.
[KAZ HIRAI TO DROP MIC AND SHOW GENITALS TO THE CROWD. PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]
[ANDREW HOUSE TO RETURN TO STAGE]
ANDREW HOUSE
Ahem. Today we’ve shown you what PlayStation has in store for fans of our more traditional console games. But we’re also now ready to tell you more about Project Morpheus, our virtual reality headset for PS4, starting with its new name: PlayStation Vision.
PlayStation Vision is more than just a virtual reality headset. As the name suggests, it is also our vision for the shape of gaming to come. Much like the EyeToy, Buzz!, Wonderbook and PlayStation Move before it, we are confident that PlayStation Vision will set a new benchmark for home console gaming, as long as you aren’t one of the many gamers susceptible to motion sickness.
Featuring a full 1080p OLED display, a frame rate of 120fps and advanced head tracking with six degrees of freedom, PlayStation Vision will launch in spring 2016 at an estimated cost of $899.99.
[PAUSE FOR LOUD BOOS]
Oh, and it’ll come with a copy of Gran Turismo Vision, which is basically Gran Turismo 6 that’s been hacked to have a VR view added.
[PAUSE FOR LOUD CHEERS]
That’s about it for tonight, but we have one more special announcement for you. Please welcome to the stage the producer of the Final Fantasy series, from Square Enix, Mr. Shinji Hashimoto.
[SHINJI HASHIMOTO TO TAKE STAGE, MASSIVE FINAL FANTASY VII LOGO TO FILL SCREENS]
SHINJI HASHIMOTO
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. At the PlayStation Experience in December I announced that the PC port of Final Fantasy VII would be coming to the PlayStation 4. However, a lot of gamers were unhappy with my announcement, and accused me of trolling. They were expecting something more exciting.
Well, there is another announcement I would like to make today. Please be excited.
[SHOW THE SAME FINAL FANTASY VII TRAILER FROM DECEMBER]
SHINJI HASHIMOTO
As I announced in December, the PC port of Final Fantasy VII will still be coming to PlayStation 4. However, today I can exclusively reveal for the first time that the game’s soundtrack will be available for streaming through PlayStation Music.
[PAUSE FOR RAPTUROUS ORGY OF APPLAUSE. SOUND ENGINEER NOTE: YOU MAY NEED TO TURN DOWN THE LEVELS FOR THIS. CAN’T STRESS ENOUGH HOW LOUD THE AUDIENCE WILL BE CHEERING AND SCREAMING AT THIS]
[SHINJI HASHIMOTO TO LEAVE STAGE ON A ZIPLINE LIKE SHAWN MICHAELS AT WRESTLEMANIA XII]
ANDREW HOUSE
Today we’ve shown you the future of gaming. We’ve given you a needlessly long glimpse at the continuing adventures of Nathan Drake, we’ve given you Hideo Kojima’s final on-stage appearance ever, we’ve given you an awkward interview with her from Heroes, and let’s not forget that breathtaking PaRappa / LittleBigPlanet news.
We’ve also shown you our vision for the way gaming will evolve with PlayStation Vision, our virtual reality headset, before rounding things off with our astonishing Final Fantasy VII music announcement.
We’re sure you’ll agree that the future of PlayStation is looking incredibly bright, and we look forward to continuing to entertain you for years to come.
Unless you only have a Vita.
[SHOW ENDS WITH APPLAUSE, GAMEPLAY MONTAGE]
Eager for more spoilery goodness? Here’s Microsoft’s E3 conference script too.
PaRappa Sackboy pic courtesy of this DeviantArt page. Um, I mean it’s 100% real.
This is absolutely hilarious, fair play Chris
You forgot to mention how all of the Indie games will have a release on the “other” platform that Sony has, except for the one that would probably be the best fit on said “other” platform. However, you won’t know that until its début as one of the two monthly games for said platform, because we’ll bury all information about it beyond a little logo at the end of a trailer.
Also – it’s actually Thomas Was Alone 2 : Electric Boogaloo; now with a CIRCLE. That’s the full title.
Like I say, content is subject to change 🙂
True, like all of these things, it’s just preliminary, but you can see how well they’ve choreographed Kojima-san’s live downfall for all to see; though according to my sources, he’ll leave the needlessly large conference hall by way of fulcrum deployed by none other than Keifer Sutherland himself, yelling something in incomprehensible Japanglish about Policenauts.
Guess we’ll find out when all the pundits are complaining about how obvious a publicity stunt it all is, right? 🙂
I’d be laughing if so much of it didn’t feel a bit true. Is it wrong I kind of felt bad for the not actual Hayden Panettiere in this? And the Vita as well. It’s not a bad console (the battery life on the thing is amazing); I just wish Sony actually supported the bloody thing. That and the PSP were only made because Nintendo was dominating the handheld market and Sony just wanted that money – they made handhelds without actually thinking why Nintendo was doing so well.
Anyway, after the snore-fest that was the last Sony E3, I’m gonna skip this year (that and it’s at like 2 in the bloody morning). I honestly agree with how Nintendo’s handling things – press conferences are just awkward to watch for me nowadays.
To drop the pretense for a second, I totally agree. I expect Sony’s conference this year to be the same as the last few years – 80% stuff nobody in their right mind cares about, combined with incredibly brief mentions of the things people -are- interested about; and a load of posturing about how well the PS4 is selling in Antarctica or something. Oh, and a load of posturing about how the Uncharted, God of War and inevitable other HD remasterings or re-remasterings are totally justified because you’re selling so many consoles to penguins who’ve never been part of the PlayStation family or whatever. At least I no longer feel like I need to stay up ’til stupid o’clock, I guess?
Nintendo’s one of the few companies doing the whole thing right with the pre-recorded “direct” model, and live gameplay footage featuring explanations from the development/localisation team afterwards; and the fact nobody else has decided to imitate this approach is quite worrying, to me. Makes me worry that they really have nothing worth showing and are hoping we’ll all just bloody leave them alone for five minutes.
The best part of this post is yet to come. It’ll be when some other site sees the headline and posts about the script leak without ever having bothered to read this post. (Or worse, reads it and still treats it as fact.)
You know theirs a line from a old flash based cartoon which i feel applies to this. Why aren’t you lying to us.
Brilliant stuff Chris!
Fucking gold
They’ll probably mention the Vita once to show off their new ports of 5 year old indie games.
Bleeding classic, although I feel there’s a multiformat game with ALL-NEW EXCLUSIVE DLC missing.