Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games, the fifth game in the Mario & Sonic series, is released in Europe on 8 April, which coincidentally happens to be my birthday.
The last Mario & Sonic game featured 20 playable characters, ten each from both the Mario and Sonic universes.
Recently Sega dropped a bombshell by revealing that another TWENTY characters would be added to the Rio game, on top of the 20 already there.
Naturally, this has led to some wondering what Sonic characters are left, considering the previous game had fucking Vector the Crocodile in it.
Well, here at Tired Old Hack I can finally bring to you this world exclusive look at every character in Team Sonic, thanks to Sega who gave me unprecedented access because of the whole birthday thing or something.
Enjoy, and remember where you saw this first – for future news bombshells, keep it tired and keep it old.
Note: all the information in this article is 100% correct and has been rigorously fact-checked. Of course it has, I’m a professional, how dare you have the gall to question my credentials, sir.
Sonic Hedgehog
Catchphrase: “Sorry to HOG the limelight”
Bio: Sonic Hedgehog is the leader of Team Sonic and is the main character in Sega’s Sonic Hedgehog series of video games, which started in 2006.
His blue colour was actually an accident: when his creator Steven Spielberg was designing him he accidentally picked up a blue pen instead of a brown one and a legend was born.
Favourite UK celebrity: Anneka Rice
Miles ‘Tail’ Davis
Catchphrase: “And that’s the end of that TAIL unless I’m very much mistaken”
Bio: Sonic adopted Tail after his parents were sent to prison for defacing photographs of former BBC Radio 1 DJ Bruno Brookes.
Tail is best known for his unusual genetic quirk: whereas all other characters in the Sonic Hedgehog universe have four toes, Tail has seven.
Favourite UK celebrity: Des O’Connor
Knuckles the Echinacea
Catchphrase: “Well I suppose Muggins here has to KNUCKLE down and get these dishes done if no other bastard is doing them”
Bio: Knuckles styled his dreadlocked hair on that of Whoopi Goldberg, and owns the world’s largest collection of Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit memorabilia.
He has never met Whoopi in person, though he did once get an Uber car which was being driven by a man who went to school with her.
Favourite UK celebrity: Tommy Cannon
Dr Robotnik
Catchphrase: “By the time I’m finished with you, you’re going to need a DOCTOR, by which I mean an NHS one, not a bad one like me”
Bio: Dr Robotnik was a 1978 Stoke-On-Trent Karaoke Championships quarter-finalist but the pressure got to him and he was found crying in a puddle of his own piss in the toilets.
Since that day he’s vowed revenge on anyone who likes a good sing-song, and he’s heard that Sonic Hedgehog likes one more than anyone so his card’s marked and that.
Favourite UK celebrity: Bob Carolgees
Rosie Hedgehog
Catchphrase: “A ROSE by any other name would smell as sweet. I think that’s from Reader’s Digest or something, I dunno mate”
Bio: Rosie is always trying to get into Sonic Hedgehog’s boxers but he isn’t having any of it no matter how many times she asks.
The whole thing is actually an unfortunate misunderstanding, as Sonic is actually well up for it but doesn’t actually wear any boxers, something Rosie would notice if she’d snap out of it for a minute and get a fucking grip.
Favourite UK celebrity: Rolf Harris (she doesn’t know yet)
Nighthog
Catchphrase: “Let’s throw another HOG on this fire to keep the party going otherwise I might as well head to bed”
Bio: The result of a failed genetic experiment at the University of South Wales, Nighthog’s genes are part hedgehog, part ’70s songstress Gladys Knight.
He combines both to stunning effect: not only can he roll into a ball and use his spines to protect himself from enemies, he can also belt out a pitch-perfect rendition of Midnight Train To Georgia.
Favourite UK celebrity: Michaela Strachan
The Silver Surfer
Catchphrase: “Looks like you chumps will have to settle for the SILVER medal, by which I mean I’ll be getting the gold despite literally being called Silver”
Bio: On the 23rd of every month, look up in the sky and you might just see the Silver Surfer zoom past.
That’s the date he picks up his regular prescription for his irritable bowel syndrome, and he tends to spend the next few days on the toilet with spare loo roll in the freezer.
Favourite UK celebrity: John Fashanu
Blaze Kitten
Catchphrase: “420 BLAZE it, mother fuckers”
Bio: Blaze is actually wanted by Interpol for the murder of seven backpackers who went missing off the coast of Cornwall.
She continually denies the charges, though on occasion she has been overheard telling Rosie Hedgehog that she “bloody loves killing backpackers”.
Favourite UK celebrity: Dave Benson Phillips
Ember the Hedgehog
Catchphrase: “Remember, remember, the fifth of Nov-EMBER. Bonfire night, innit”
Bio: There are rumours doing the rounds that Ember the Hedgehog isn’t actually a real Sonic character, and that Sega just stole him from the Bad Sonic Fan Art Twitter account when it realised it would struggle to make up the numbers.
These rumours are purely speculative, though when asked for comment Steven Spielberg said: “I’ve never seen the prick in my life, and I know a prick when I see one.”
Favourite UK celebrity: Lionel Blair
Vector Lizard
Catchphrase: “VECTOR-y is mine, regardless of whether you’ve actually heard of me”
Bio: Vector auditioned to be a member of Team Sonic over a decade ago and was rejected within seconds.
However, he was so useless that he couldn’t find his way out of Sega Headquarters and has remained there ever since, a bit like that film where Forrest Gump is stuck in the airport.
Favorite UK celebrity: Nigel Mansell
Robohog
Catchphrase: “Bzzzzzz clunk clang ROBO buzzz bleep”
Bio: Sonic Hedgehog created Robohog one rainy day as part of en elaborate ploy to get out of giving blood at his local hospital.
The plan backfired when Robohog went in his place and Sonic was declared legally dead for not having a pulse and having motor oil in his veins.
Favourite UK celebrity: Trev and Simon
Ogórki the Picklehog
Catchphrase: “Jestem OGÓRKI Jeż , jesteś głupcem”
Bio: Sonic’s Polish cousin Ogórki is a leading name in the bottled pickle scene, which has become a multi-hundred pound industry in Eastern Europe.
It’s nearly impossible to find a pickled gherkin in Poland without seeing his oversized pupils staring back at you, sharing an unspoken understanding that you both think the gherkins are probably what his knob looks like.
Favourite UK celebrity: Bob Holness
Rouge the Wrong
Catchphrase: “That’s the fourth time you’ve stared at my comically large bosoms and in doing so missed the hilarious pun I said using the word ROUGE”
Bio: Rouge was Sega’s way of solving the age-old question that mankind has long pondered since we evolved the ability to communicate with each other.
Namely, “what would it look like if a bat had tits?”
Favourite UK celebrity: Jim Bowen
Sticks the Primitive, Simple Neanderthal
Catchphrase: “Me throw shit at wall. If me throw enough shit, me sure some STICKS”
Bio: Sticks barely counts as a functioning human being and struggles to form even the most basic of sentences.
She recently bought the DVD box set of the complete Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Favourite UK celebrity: Gordon Burns
Sanic
Catchphrase: “Cum on step it up”
Bio: Over the past decade, Sega has continued to update Sonic Hedgehog’s character design to give him a more streamlined look.
Sanic is the original form, the version that appeared on the first Sonic Hedgehog game way back in 2006.
Favourite UK celebrity: Ed Tudor-Pole
Jet the Green
Catchphrase: “JET fuel can’t melt steel beams”
Bio: Conspiracy theories follow Jet everywhere he goes, but in fairness he brings a lot of it on himself.
For example, Sega is adamant that Jet is a hawk, but natural selection has ensured that birds have no need for goggles. And yet, observe the goggles atop Jet’s bottle-green bonce. He’s fucking ripping the mick.
Favourite UK celebrity: Duncan Goodhew
Night Trap
Catchphrase: “You’ll be caught in the night… in the NIGHT TRAP”
Bio: Technically speaking, Night Trap isn’t a character as such. However, research has shown it to be the best thing ever and as such its inclusion as a playable character in Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games is justified.
Its specialist event is the discus.
Favourite UK celebrity: Mary Whitehouse
Zavok the Forgettable
Catchphrase: “I’ve got no clue who ZAVOK I’m supposed to be”
Bio: The hit movie Men In Black featured a special stick that could flash a red light, permanently erasing the memory of anyone who had it flashed in their eyes.
Zavok’s body is made of the same red substance, ensuring people instantly forget he even existed the second they look away from him.
Favourite UK celebrity: Saracen from Gladiators
Clive, Devourer of Innocents
Catchphrase: “I shall feast on your essence, whether you are dead or a-CLIVE”
Bio: Clive is the physical embodiment of devastation, and any mortals who gaze upon his wonky eyes will be reduced to sawdust before they can say “that really isn’t a very good paint job”.
Sega has promised to severely reduce his stats for the upcoming Mario & Sonic, because a game in which everyone in Rio turns into a fine powder the second he steps into the arena would be too easy.
Favourite UK celebrity: Les Dawson
Espio the Quality Street
Catchphrase: “R-E-ESPIO-C-T, find out what it means to me”
Bio: When designing Sonic Hedgehog’s friends, Spielberg developed an obsession with Nestlé’s Quality Street chocolates and wanted to pay tribute to them.
Espio’s unusually-shaped head is actually an amalgamation of the green triangle chocolate and that purple one that’s got nuts and caramel in it.
Favourite UK celebrity: Ian Krankie
Jeff Hardy
Catchphrase: “My name is JEFF”
Bio: It’s unclear exactly when former WWE superstar Jeff Hardy made the transition from the squared circle to the Sonic Hedgehog universe.
But I did a Google image search for his name and this came up so it’s definitely real.
Favourite UK celebrity: Floella Benjamin
Wave the Shovelware
Catchphrase: “Be sure to give me a WAVE as I head into the bargain bin”
Bio: There are truly great Sonic Hedgehog characters. There are truly average ones. And then there’s Wave.
Wave has only been playable in three games to date, and all three have been crap hoverboard racing games. When a Mario & Sonic game is a step up for you, you have a problem.
Favourite UK celebrity: Anne Diamond
Duncan the Cock
Catchphrase: “I will literally boot you in the COCK, mate”
Bio: Subtlety is not Duncan’s forte. Whereas other characters like Wave the ‘Swallow’ and ‘Cream’ the Rabbit are dripping (ahem) with innuendo, Duncan isn’t.
I don’t just mean the ‘Cock’ bit either. His entire name is a blatant euphemism for a sexual act.
Favourite UK celebrity: Julian Clary
Zazz the Unknown
Catchphrase: “People call me a ZAZZ musician, because chances are you’ll never have heard of me”
Bio: Zazz was born in Romford and lived a relatively quiet life until he won a competition to star in a Sonic Hedgehog game.
Zazz was certain this would be his big break but in reality his ‘fame’ was not unlike that of a Channel 5 era Big Brother contestant. Not Celebrity Big Brother, just the normal one.
Favourite UK celebrity: Her that did the voice of the Why Bird in Playdays
The scariest fucking van you’ve ever seen in your life
Catchphrase: “Mind the kids! Seriously, because we want to abduct them”
Bio: Win a gold medal in every event in Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games and you’ll unlock the ability to do the 100m in this monstrosity.
It’s the only van in history to depict Sonic Hedgehog holding the decapitated head of Lion-O from Thundercats, Tweety Pie cut in two, Mickey Mouse trying to hide the fact he’s brandishing a large mallet with which to cave your head in, and an odd border that’s clearly supposed to be dripping blood. Best unlockable ever.
Favourite UK celebrity: Bob Monkhouse
OK I properly cracked up on ‘Duncan the Cock’ Too funny.
Wave the Swallow looks like one of the mascots from Pontin’s holiday camps
Literally crying.
I started laughing at ‘Rosie Hedgehog’, by the time I got to ‘Jeff Hardy’ I couldn’t stop.