On Monday I busted open Sony’s E3 conference by leaking the entire script a week before it was due to be presented.
Sony isn’t the only company with lax security measures, though. I’ve also managed to obtain the full scripts for Microsoft’s E3 conference and Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event.
Today I’ll be chucking a middle finger in the face of Bill Gates (or whoever it is now) by revealing Microsoft’s E3 script in its entirety.
On Friday I’ll round things off with the entire shooting script for Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event.
I’m really too good to you. Enjoy.
MICROSOFT CORPORATION: XBOX DIVISION
E3 PRESS EVENT AUTOCUE SCRIPT & STAGE DIRECTIONS
ONLY TO BE READ BY XBOX DIVISION STAFF WITH ORANGE CLEARANCE LEVEL OR HIGHER
VENUE: Galen Center, LA
DATE: June 15, 2015
TIME: 09:30 PT
[PHIL SPENCER TO TAKE STAGE]
Good morning everyone, and welcome to E3. It’s my pleasure to welcome the fans here with us in LA and the millions watching at home, either on the web or on Xbox Live.
The coming year should be the most exciting yet for Xbox One. You already know about three of the massive exclusives we have planned for release: Forza Motorsport 6, Rise Of The Tomb Raider, and Halo 5: Guardians.
But that’s only the beginning of what we have planned for Xbox One. Over the course of the next 90 minutes we’ll also be showing you a bunch of new games we haven’t announced yet.
First though, a special announcement. Last week we announced a new version of the Xbox One with a 1TB hard drive priced at $399, with the existing 500GB version now priced at $349.
Well, I’d now like to reveal that we’re cutting the price even further. Now the 1TB version will cost $349, and the 500GB version will cost just $299. There truly has been no better time to jump into the world of Xbox One.
That said, let’s get going with the first massive Xbox exclusive in our presentation today. While our biggest rival struggles to get a single racing game out on time [PAUSE FOR OOOHS], this holiday season we’ll be releasing Forza Motorsport 6, the third Forza game to hit Xbox One in just two years.
To try to convince you this doesn’t just mean we’re churning out any old arse, please welcome to the stage the head of Turn 10 Studios, Dan Greenawalt.
[DAN GREENAWALT TO TAKE STAGE]
Among their suggestions were real-time weather effects, night racing and of, course, the ever-popular ‘finish the fucking game this time instead of rushing it out for launch with only 17 tracks’.
Well, we’ve taken all that advice on board and we’re confident that Forza 6 will be the best game in the series to date. If you don’t count Horizon 2.
[FORZA MOTORSPORT 6 TRAILER]
Like its predecessor, Forza Motorsport 6 will feature stunning 1080p visuals running at 60 frames per second, but this time we’ll also be adding the spectacular rain effects seen in Forza Horizon 2.
We’ll also be adding night racing to the series for the first time, finally bringing Forza up to the same level as Metropolis Street Racer on the Dreamcast.
And of course, Drivatars will be making their return. Once again you’ll be able to enjoy the hilarity of tweeting your friend to tell them you beat them in a race only for them to reveal that they weren’t playing the game but were out on a date with your girlfriend instead because she was feeling under-appreciated by her boyfriend because all he did was play Forza all day. But still, better AI.
We’ll be releasing Forza Motorsport 6 this holiday season, along with a season pass that allows us to slowly trickle new cars into the game on a monthly basis, feeding your habit like a savvy coke dealer. Thanks Dan.
Unlike our other competitor – the one that starts with N – we don’t solely rely on first-party games [PAUSE FOR OOOHS]. We’ve enjoyed long and healthy relationships with numerous third-party publishers all around the world, including the wonderful Electronic Arts. Please welcome the chief operating officer for EA, Peter Moore.
[PETER MOORE TO TAKE STAGE]
Thanks Phil. We at EA are dedicated to the future of the Xbox One, and will continue to support the console with exclusive programmes like EA Access, in which players can play any game from our vault of legacy Xbox One titles for a small monthly membership fee.
[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]
Of course, we could have done this a while back but we decided to wait until E3 because it would get us more publicity.
Speaking of publicity, we gathered a lot of newspaper inches the other week when we revealed that women’s football would be featured in FIFA for the first time ever. This is only one of a number of new features planned for FIFA 16. Have a look at this:
[FIFA 16 ‘LIVE THE PASSION’ TRAILER]
FIFA 16 will feature a brand new story mode, which we definitely haven’t copied from NBA 2K15.
Starting in a youth team, players will not only work their way to the top to try to win the prestigious
Champions League European Champions Cup, but also have to deal with the stresses of being in the spotlight off the pitch, from sorting out contracts with deceptive agents to trying to drive to training with two grams of cocaine still working its way through your bloodstream.
Of course, the fantastic Ultimate Team mode will also be returning, as will the Xbox exclusive Ultimate Team Legends players. This year we will have a total of 90 legendary players from football’s past, from Pele to Maradona.
And, of course, all of these legendary players are so incredibly rare to randomly obtain in the game that something like 99.999% of players will never get a single one of them, making the fact we’re showing it off as a legit feature for the third E3 in a row bold as fuck.
We’ll have more to share on FIFA 16 during our own E3 conference later this afternoon, so look out for that. Next up, Mirror’s Edg-
Hang on, what? What do you mean?
What do you mean your own conference?
There’s an EA conference at 1pm. I’m going there right after this.
Then why the fuck are we giving you some of our own conference time?
Because you and Sony like to feature third-party developers during your own conferences to try to plant the idea in viewers’ heads that your console is the format they should buy our games for. This happens every year, Phil.
Get off my fucking stage.
[PETER MOORE TO BE ROUGHLY ESCORTED OFF THE STAGE BY THREE GUARDS DRESSED AS THE BATTLETOADS. PRODUCER NOTE: THIS IS THE ONLY TIME THE BATTLETOADS ARE TO FEATURE. OUR OWNERSHIP OF THE IP ONLY EXTENDS TO GUARD COSTUMES]
Bringing things back to the lovely world of first-party games, please welcome 343 Industries’ Frank O’Connor.
[FRANK O’CONNOR TO TAKE STAGE]
Have a look at this, mate.
[HALO 5: GUARDIANS TRAILER]
It’s good, innit?
It certainly looks like it, yes.
Wait, where are you going?
I’m quitting while I’m ahead. If the stream breaks down while we’re talking about this the entire internet will crack jokes about the Master Chief Collection servers. See you later.
[FRANK O’CONNOR TO LEAP OFF THE STAGE AND SPRINT DOWN THE AISLE LIKE THE T-1000 IN TERMINATOR 2, NOT STOPPING UNTIL HE IS AT LEAST TEN MILES AWAY FROM THE VENUE]
Um… right. That wasn’t really how that was supposed to go. Let’s… let’s do Tomb Raider. Roll the Tomb Raider trailer, guys.
[RISE OF THE TOMB RAIDER TRAILER]
Give it up for Noah Hughes, the creative director on Rise Of The Tomb Raider.
[NOAH HUGHES TO TAKE STAGE]
Rise Of The Tomb Raider continues where our 2013 reboot left off and sees Lara taking on her second adventure, a search for the ancient lost city Kitezh in Siberia.
Along the way she’ll encounter all manner of obstacles and enemies desperate to put an abrupt end to her quest.
In short, it’s just another excuse for us to kick the living piss out of her over and over again like we did last time.
Also, pre-order the game and you’ll get access to an exclusive skin pack featuring iconic Nathan Drake outfits. Because fuck it, they copied us.
Indeed they did, thanks Noah. Rise Of The Tomb Raider will be released this November, ‘exclusively’ on Xbox.
[DIRECTOR NOTE: ENSURE PHIL ACTUALLY DOES QUOTE MARKS WITH HIS FINGERS WHEN HE SAYS ‘EXCLUSIVELY’. THIS WILL COVER HIM WHEN IT COMES TO PS4 NEXT JUNE]
You may remember that earlier in the conference I announced we’d be lowering the price of the standard 500GB Xbox One to $299. Well, I’m happy to reveal that we are now lowering it even further, to an incredible $199. If you thought it was a great time to jump in half an hour ago, now you might as well go up to your neck in that shit.
Up next is another of our third-party partners. From Ubisoft, please give a warm welcome to chairman and CEO Yves Guillemot.
[YVES GUILLEMOT TO TAKE STAGE]
Thank you, Pheel. Eet ees my ‘awnerr to present to you the long-awaited trelerr for Beeyon’ Good & Eevel 2.
[PAUSE FOR HUGE APPLAUSE]
Hang on. Do you have a conference later today too?
Off the fucking stage.
[YVES GUILLEMOT TO LEAVE STAGE]
Of course, Xbox One isn’t just the best destination for all the latest and greatest games, it’s also the best destination for all your entertainment needs.
Yes, it’s that part of the presentation where everyone runs to the toilet for a piss: the bit where I talk about all the new streaming video services we’re adding.
To date there are 42 entertainment apps on Xbox One, brought to you from a wide number of partners including Netflix, Amazon, the BBC, NFL, Major League Baseball, Twitch and WWE.
Next year we’ll be extending that collection to over 700 entertainment apps, with some of the most obscure shit you can think of joining the ranks to make our list look bigger.
Love low-budget horror films? We’re teaming up with B-movie studio Full Moon Features to bring Full Moon Streaming to Xbox One, offering an array of terrible movies ranging from Gingerdead Man vs Evil Bong to Teenage Space Vampires. Yes, those are real.
We’re also officially partnering with Chess.com, bringing you on-demand streams of chess matches from all around the world. Don’t worry checkers fans, we haven’t forgotten both of you: we’re working on adding checkers coverage in 2016.
And last but not least, you asked for it and we listened: the new PornHub app for Xbox One will finally let fans of Dead Or Alive 5: Last Round do it properly.
[PAUSE FOR SHAMEFULLY LARGE APPLAUSE]
We’re actually running out of time now because of that EA and Ubisoft shit, so we’ll have to skip Quantum Break.
[SECURITY NOTE: FIND THE FOUR PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO SEEM UPSET BY THIS AND GIVE THEM A SIGNED PHOTO OF SAM LAKE DOING THE MAX PAYNE FACE TO CHEER THEM UP]
Instead, let me show you one of three amazing new games coming exclusively to Xbox One. And I mean proper exclusive this time, not fake exclusive like Tomb Raider.
Please welcome to the stage… HIDEO KOJIMA!!!!!! OH SHIIIIIT SONNNNNNNN!!!!!
[HIDEO KOJIMA TO BURST ONTO THE STAGE BY PLOUGHING THROUGH A FAKE WALL IN A GIANT MECH. THE WALL TO BURST INTO FLAMES FOR NO REASON. WHEN KOJIMA EXITS THE MECH, THE MECH TO ALSO BURST INTO FLAMES]
Hello again everyone. Kept you waiting, huh?
That was funny because Snake says it in Metal Gear Solid V, the game Konami pulled from my fucking womb right before my waters broke. Metaphorically.
I am not here today to talk about that massive betrayal. I am here to talk about another. You may have heard that recently Konami cancelled Silent Hills, my project with Guillermo Del Toro.
Well, today I can confirm that the game does still exist, and I am still working on it. My friend Dave broke into Konami’s office the other week and stole the source code.
However, since Konami still owns the Silent Hills name, we have been forced to come up with a new title.
With this in mind, I am delighted to finally confirm that Nigel And The Spooky House will be released exclusively on Xbox One in 2016.
On top of this, the much-loved P.T. teaser demo, which has now been renamed Jumpy McJumpscare’s Corridor Capers, will be available on the Xbox Live store immediately following this presentation.
[HIDEO KOJIMA TO LEAVE THE STAGE BY LEVITATING AND SLOWLY FLOATING OUT OF THE VENUE, OVER THE TOP OF THE CROWD’S HEADS, WHILE THE CHORUS TO MIKE OLDFIELD’S ‘NUCLEAR’ PLAYS ON LOOP. ONE OF THE SECURITY GUARDS DRESSED AS A BATTLETOAD IS TO SWING A LARGE HOOPED STICK OVER HIM AS HE DOES SO TO SHOW THERE ARE NO WIRES. THIS SEQUENCE TO LAST ROUGHLY 20 MINUTES]
We’ve got one more surprise for you. Last year we blew people away with the return of much-loved Xbox title Phantom Dust. While we don’t have pre-order figures in yet, I’ll be massively surprised if the number’s less than 20 million.
Such was the enormous response to Phantom Dust last year, we’re bringing another classic game to life with exciting new-gen visuals.
Take a look at this. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
[AZURIK: RISE OF PERATHIA TRAILER]
Join Azurik once more as he tries to defeat Balthazar, a Lore Guardian turned evil, by visiting the Elemental Guardians and gaining their powers.
But then, you already know all this.
Azurik: Rise Of Perathia will be released some time in 2019. But that isn’t the only classic game making a comeback on Xbox One. Introducing Scott Henson, the studio manager at Rare.
[SCOTT HENSON TO TAKE STAGE]
Good morning everyone. We’ve been a part of Microsoft for nearly thirteen years now, but people still tell us they want to see our older titles make a comeback.
A number of years ago we re-released Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo-Tooie and Perfect Dark on Xbox Live Arcade, but fans want more. After all, we’ve had a rich history of fantastic games. Take a look:
[RARE HISTORY MONTAGE TO PLAY, SHOWING CLASSIC RARE GAMES – GOLDENEYE, BLAST CORPS, JET FORCE GEMINI, CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY, BATTLETOADS, DONKEY KONG COUNTRY ETC. VIDEO EDITOR NOTE: IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO NOT SHOW ANY GAMES NEWER THAN VIVA PINATA]
Ah, memories. Memories, that is, which are about to become reality once again.
We held a poll on the Rare website asking our fans which classic game developed by Rare they’d like to see brought to the Xbox One. Sadly, we made a spelling mistake with the URL and only one person who accidentally copied our typo ended up managing to get through to the poll itself.
Still, we were committed to ensuring the poll was honoured and so, based on that single vote, we’re happy to announce that we’re bringing Anticipation to Xbox One.
Players will once again be able to choose from four playing pieces – a teddy bear, a horn, an ice-cream and a pair of high heels – and take part in a weird sort of Pictionary type thing that I’m reliably informed is both ‘zany’ and ‘wacky’. I don’t know, I wasn’t at Rare when we shat this one out.
Anyway, yeah. Anticipation. Out next year or something.
Awesome stuff Scott, I’m sure Rare fans will be eagerly… ANTICIPATING… that one!
[SCOTT HENSON TO TRAGICALLY SHUFFLE OFF STAGE, THOROUGHLY DEJECTED. AS HE DOES HE IS TO LOOK TO THE RIGHT AND SEE THE PLAYTONIC GAMES STAFF PREPARING A YOOKA-LAYLEE BOOTH. HE IS TO SMILE AT THEM AND THEY ARE TO TURN THEIR HEADS AND PRETEND THEY DIDN’T SEE HIM]
Well, that’s all we’ve got for you tonight. Actually, I have one final announcement.
You may recall that earlier today we cut the price of Xbox One to $299, then subsequently cut it again to $199.
Well, I’m happy to announce that in the 50 minutes since we have decided to cut the price even further. You can now buy the standard 500GB Xbox One for just $99.99.
This morning we’ve shown you what Xbox One has to offer. We’ve got some of the best exclusives, like Forza 6, Halo 5 and Rise Of The Tomb Raider. We’ve got the best entertainment apps, like PornHub and that other shit I’ve already forgotten about. And we’ve got some of the best classic games coming back in a big way.
I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s presentation, and I hope it’s left you in a good enough mood that when the big Xbox One system update launches later this month alongside Windows 10 you aren’t too upset when it’s riddled with ads.
Once again, good morning, and I hope you enjoy the rest of E3.
[SHOW ENDS WITH APPLAUSE, GAMEPLAY MONTAGE]
Missed the Sony E3 conference script leak? Read up on all its spoilery goodness.