On Monday I brought you Sony’s entire E3 conference, exactly as it will play out.
Then, on Wednesday, I did the same with Microsoft’s E3 conference. Neither should surprise you now.
Finally though, to show no company is safe from my investigatory skills, here’s the script for Nintendo’s E3 2015 Digital Event, which will stream next Tuesday. Enjoy.
NINTENDO CO., LTD
E3 DIGITAL EVENT – SHOOTING SCRIPT
CONFIDENTIAL – EACH COPY IS DIGITALLY WATERMARKED TO YOUR NAME AND NOT TO BE SHARED
[VIDEO TO OPEN WITH COMEDY SEQUENCE IN WHICH REGGIE FILS-AIME, SATORU IWATA, SHIGERU MIYAMOTO AND BILL TRINEN ARE HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY IN AN ANIMAL CROSSING STYLE HOME.
THEY ARE TO DANCE TO KK SLIDER MUSIC, ARGUE OVER WHICH SONG IS THE BEST AND ULTIMATELY HAVE A BIG PILLOW FIGHT. WHOLE SEQUENCE TO LAST FIVE MINUTES AND BE UTTERLY POINTLESS]
[REGGIE FILS-AIME TO APPEAR ON-SCREEN]
Hi everyone, and welcome to Nintendo’s Digital Event at E3. For the next 45 minutes we’re going to be throwing a barrage of trailers at you for new games, while also ensuring we do all manner of silly things in between.
You may think we’re doing it because we love fun and that’s the Nintendo way, but in reality it’s because we know that if we do zany shit people will make GIFs of it and share them on forums like NeoGAF, keeping us relevant to the gamers who will never buy our systems.
[REGGIE TO KARATE CHOP A PINEAPPLE IN TWO. THE PINEAPPLE’S TWO HALVES TO COME TO LIFE, POINT AT REGGIE MENACINGLY AND ANGRILY WADDLE OFF-SCREEN]
This past year has been a successful one for Nintendo, and it’s all down to one word: amiibo.
Sure, they’ve annoyed everyone – collectors who can’t find them all, cynics who think they’re just glorified DLC, magazine editors who hate that ‘amiibo’ doesn’t start with a capital letter – but we’re rolling in money again so we’re not fussed.
We’ve got even more plans for amiibo in the coming year, starting with the completion of our Super Smash Bros series.
The final four Smash Bros amiibo yet to be officially announced – Duck Hunt duo, Falco, Mr Game & Watch and R.O.B. – will be released this Septmber, alongside the amiibo for our two DLC characters, Lucas and Mewtwo.
Once the entire series of 50 Smash Bros amiibo is released, you may be wondering where we go from here. Well, don’t forget every Smash Bros character has eight different colour options.
Expect the other 350 alternate colour Smash Bros amiibo to be slowly trickled out in limited numbers over the next five years.
The first wave will include pink-and-white Captain Falcon, green Charizard, a Dr Mario wearing a black shirt, Mario wearing that weird stars and stripes outfit, Pikachu wearing a wizard’s hat, and Little Mac in a pink hoodie.
Admit it, you want the Little Mac one. See, that’s how we get you.
Of course, we don’t just make amiibo, we make games too. High quality games that you won’t find elsewhere. Games like Pokemon Art Academy, Wii Party U and Sing Party.
Have a look at this:
[MONTAGE TRAILER SHOWING YOSHI’S WOOLLY WORLD, MARIO MAKER, XENOBLADE CHRONICLES X, DEVIL’S THIRD]
I know what you’re thinking: there’s nothing new there. Well, yeah. We aren’t bothered.
Yoshi’s Woolly World is out in less than a month’s time. If you care about it then chances are you already know a lot about it from our previous Nintendo Directs.
Despite this, and despite the fact this E3 presentation only lasts three quarters of an hour, let’s talk about it for ten whole minutes.
[NEEDLESSLY LONG PROMO IN WHICH SATORU IWATA SITS IN A WHITE ROOM AND TALKS TO YOSHI’S WOOLLY WORLD PRODUCER TAKASHI TEZUKA ABOUT WOOL FOR FUCKING AGES]
Yoshi’s Woolly World will be released on June 26 in Europe and July 16 in North America. In fact, I’m so excited, I feel some wool-based shenanigans coming on.
[REGGIE AND SATORU IWATA TO BE SEEN ROLLING AROUND IN BALLS OF WOOL, WITH MEME-STYLE CAPTION READING ‘IT PRINTS WOOLLY MONEY’. THIS SHOULD BE ON SCREEN FOR AT THREE MINUTES SO PEOPLE CAN GET A GOOD HIGH-QUALITY GIF OF IT]
[SATORU IWATA TO APPEAR ON-SCREEN]
Hello everyone. I was barely in last year’s E3 Digital Event even though I always present the Nintendo Direct videos. This year I aim to correct this, so I will be presenting the rest of this Digital Event with my adorably broken English. Please be excited.
Take a look at this:
[TRAILER FOR THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MELODY OF SOULS]
This is the long-awaited latest instalment in the Legend Of Zelda saga. As you can see, there are a number of differences this time around.
Most notably, the game takes place at a point in the Zelda timeline in which Link is female. Armed with her trusty bow and arrow, it is her task to find the Mistress Sword and use it to free the trapped Prince Zelda from the evil Ganondora.
After extensive research we discovered that 87% of cosplayers who dress up as Link are female, and 98% of male gamers seem to have no problem with this. In fact, many seem to enjoy it. A little too much. So we’re sure you will be fine with a female Link, since you seem to have no problem with cute girls wearing the costume in real life. Right?
Look, you all went apeshit when Link was a cartoon and now you all claim you loved it. Now he’s a girl: deal with it.
As well as this, the entire game is now one large explorable area. Standing in Hyrule Field you can see mountains way off in the distance: you can travel to these mountains and not encounter a single loading screen.
In order to ensure this is handled in the best possible way, we have teamed up with From Software, the studio behind Dark Souls and Bloodborne, who are helping us with development.
I bet you don’t give a shit that Link’s a girl now, do you?
For our next game, here’s Shigeru Miyamoto.
[SHIGERU MIYAMOTO TO APPEAR ON-SCREEN. AN ARWING FROM STAR FOX TO APPEAR AND SHOOT AT HIM, BUT MIYAMOTO TO SWAT IT AWAY WITH A NOVELTY FLY-SWATTER, BECAUSE GIFS]
Hello everyone. As you know, I have been working on a new Star Fox game for some time now. I am finally ready to show you what I have come up with.
It is well-known that my inspiration for the games I make comes from real-life experiences I have had.
The Legend Of Zelda was inspired by my time as a young boy in Kyoto, exploring the caves and forests near my home. Nintendogs was inspired by my own experiences with my family’s pet dog, Pikku. And Star Fox was inspired by my brief stint as an intergalactic pilot in a squad of anthropomorphic animal space mercenaries.
[TRAILER FOR STAR FOX ARMADA]
In Star Fox Armada, Fox McCloud and the rest of the Star Fox team have to work together to stop the evil Andross from taking over the galaxy. It’s basically the same plot as the other Star Fox games, but nobody will notice.
When you first play the game, you will not have wingmen. Instead, you must buy the special Star Fox amiibo we will be releasing alongside the game.
We could have added this as a standard feature in the game, but come on. We need the money.
Also, you may remember the experimental projects I showed at the last E3, Project Giant Robot and Project Guard. These will appear as mini-games in Star Fox Armada, because of course they will.
[THE ARWING TO APPEAR AGAIN, SHOOTING AT MIYAMOTO. MIYAMOTO TO TAKE OUT A GLOWING FLUTE AND PLAY IT, AND A TINY REGGIE TO APPEAR ON A FLYING CAT, FIRING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES, DESTROYING THE ARWING]
Sorry, you may not have been able to get a good GIF of that. Let us do it again.
[THE ABOVE SEQUENCE TO BE REPEATED, SLIGHTLY SLOWER]
[SATORU IWATA TO APPEAR BACK ON SCREEN]
Thank you, Miyamoto-san. For our final three announcements, you must be a member of our special E3 Insider club.
–VIDEO 1 ENDS AT THIS POINT, VERIFICATION PROCESS TO INITIALISE–
–VIDEO 2 BEGINS WHEN CORRECT AMIIBO IS IDENTIFIED–
[VIDEO 2 TO OPEN WITH SATORU IWATA SPEAKING IN HIS TRUE GLASWEGIAN ACCENT]
Christ, thank fuck for that, man. See trying tae put oan that Japanese accent aw the time? Does ma fuckin heid in, so it does.
Anyway, here’s a look at our next game. It’s a belter, man. Here’s oor boys at Retro Studios who’re gonnae gie ye a wee squatch at it.
[RETRO STUDIOS CEO MICHAEL KELBAUGH TO APPEAR ON SCREEN]
Thank you, True Iwata.
It’s our pleasure to finally reveal to you what we’ve been working on. Retro Studios first became well-known for its work on the Metroid Prime trilogy of first-person adventure games. Then we resurrected another classic series with Donkey Kong Country Returns and its sequel Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze.
Well, we don’t have another Donkey Kong for you today. And we don’t have another Metroid for you either.
Instead, we’ve been hard at work bringing another classic Nintendo franchise out of retirement and straight into the 21st century. Have a look.
[TRAILER FOR GYROMITE: ROBORRECTION]
Gyromite: Roborrection is a reboot of the classic NES game Gyromite, made for Wii U.
Yes, the title means ‘robo resurrection’. Not ‘robo erection’.
[IWATA TO LOOK DISAPPOINTED]
When the original Gyromite was released back in 1985, it worked alongside R.O.B., the Robotic Operating Buddy, which would press real-life switches to move platforms in the game.
To keep alive that spirit of rendering a game unplayable without some extra plastic tat, Gyromite: Roborrection will only work when the R.O.B. amiibo is placed on the Wii U GamePad.
Cheers Mike. Looks the dug’s baws, that does.
Gyromite: Roborrection will be oot on October 18, 30 years tae the day after the first wan came oot.
Noo, here’s Reggie again wi’ another new game.
Um, thanks Iwata-san. I must admit, I had no idea you had such a strong Glaswegian accent.
Fuckin’ get on wi’ it, son.
Animal Crossing: New Leaf was a massive success for Nintendo, with over 9 million copies sold worldwide to date.
Now, for the first time, the series goes HD with a brand new entry exclusively on Wii U.
[ANIMAL CROSSING: FAMILIAR FIELDS TRAILER]
Animal Crossing: Familiar Fields will be immediately recognisable to anyone who’s been playing the 3DS game. A little too recognisable, in fact.
It’s not identical, mind you. The message board in your town is now populated by Miiverse drawings. Um, and that’s it.
Actually, it isn’t. Here’s another surprise.
As well as all 1226 pieces of furniture in Animal Crossing: New Leaf, Familiar Fields adds another 3000 new pieces, ranging from new Splatoon-themed furniture to a selection of beds based on those found in famous prisons around the world.
Even better, every single piece of furniture in the game can only be acquired by scanning its own amiibo.
That’s right, we’re happy to announce that we’ve entered a multi-million dollar partnership with IKEA, meaning players will be able to buy Animal Crossing: Familiar Fields furniture amiibo at any IKEA store in the world.
Just to clarify: it is absolutely impossible to get any furniture in the game unless you go to IKEA and actually buy the amiibo for it.
We’re sure you’ll agree this is amazing news. Collect them all!
Well, that’s all we have time for today. Unless you count the obvious Smash Bros character reveal trailer you always get at the end of these things. Yes, even though Smash Bros is out now that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep slowly adding DLC to it.
So let’s pretend we’re done for now and say our goodbyes.
Many thanks for continuing to be a dedicated Nintendo fan and buying all the amiibo you can get your hands on. With the new Animal Crossing: Familiar Fields and Star Fox Armada amiibo bringing our total number of figures to around 4300, we’re sure you’ll agree that next year is going to be our best yet.
Thanks again, and don’t forget to check our Nintendo Treehouse streams throughout the rest of the week. Bye for now.
[10 SECONDS OF BLACK SCREEN, THEN THAT SWISHY SMASH BROS THING TO HAPPEN]
[TRAILER SHOWS MARIO AND LINK FIGHTING EACH OTHER. THERE IS A SUSPICIOUS LOOKING CARDBOARD BOX IN THE BACKGROUND.
SUDDENLY A FAMILIAR, SHRILL RINGING NOISE CAN BE HEARD.
THE SCREEN SWITCHES TO A TRADITIONAL METAL GEAR SOLID CODEC DIALOGUE SCREEN. WE SEE SNAKE AND THE COLONEL SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.
SNAKE – “COLONEL! THIS ISN’T EXACTLY THE BEST TIME. I’M ON RECON.”
SNAKE – “WHAT?! BUT I’M JUST ABOUT TO MAKE MY MOVE. YOU SAID I HAD TO ENTER THE SMASH BROS TOURNAMENT AGAIN.”
COLONEL – “THAT WAS A DEAL ARRANGED BETWEEN NINTENDO, SAKURAI AND HIDEO KOJIMA, SNAKE. NOW THAT KOJIMA IS NO LONGER WORKING FOR KONAMI, THEY REFUSE TO LICENCE THE RIGHTS TO THE SNAKE CHARACTER. YOU CAN’T ENTER THE TOURNAMENT.”
SNAKE – “THAT’S BULLSHIT. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE ME BACK IN IT.”
COLONEL – “EVERYONE WANTS A LOT OF STUFF FROM KONAMI, SNAKE, BUT THEY’RE BEING PROPER WANKS RIGHT NOW SO THERE ISN’T MUCH WE CAN DO.”
SNAKE – “FUCK SAKE. WAIT. I CAN SMELL SOMETHING. IS THAT… IS THAT GASOLINE?”
COLONEL – “OH NO. HE’S THERE. SNAKE! GET OUT OF THERE! SNAKE! SNAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!”
AS MARIO AND LINK FIGHT IN THE FOREGROUND, THE CARDBOARD BOX ERUPTS IN A MASSIVE BALL OF FLAMES IN THE BACKGROUND. SNAKE CAN BE HEARD SCREAMING IN PAIN AS HE SLOWLY BURNS TO DEATH IN THE INFERNO.
A SHADOWY FIGURE STEPS OUT OF THE FLAMES AND SAYS IN BROKEN ENGLISH: “RIGHT THEN, WHO ELSE FANCIES A GO?”]