20 Pokemon who can happily f*** off

WARNING: As if it wasn’t already clear by the title, this article is a little swearier than usual. If you have Pokémon-loving kids, please don’t let them read this. Send them to Serebii instead, which is the ultimate Pokémon site.

Pokémon Sword & Shield are now a little more than a month away, and fans are eagerly anticipating the arrival of the series’ eighth generation.

Well, that is, except for one little issue: it’s been known for some time now that not every Pokémon will be included in the game. Some of the older ones are going to be axed, with developer Game Freak citing development time as the main reason.

This begs the question, then: which Pokémon will be in, and which ones will be out?

Yer man Scullion’s stepped in to solve the problem. Here’s my list of 20 Pokémon we could all happily do without.

To the best of my knowledge – not counting the ridiculous 24-hour stream that’s currently running at the time of writing – none of the Pokémon listed below have already been confirmed for the game (with one exception).

This means almost all of them could still potentially be missing when the game releases on 15 November.

Note: if Vanillite hadn’t already been confirmed it definitely would have been in here too, because it’s just a fucking ice cream cone.

Feel free to share your own most hated Pokémon in the comments. Before that, though, let’s begin the cull. In National Dex order…


Rattata

019RattataIf you’ve ever played Pokémon HeartGold or SoulSilver you’ll be all too familiar with Joey. He’s a young trainer who only has a Rattata and nothing else.

After you beat him for the first time, he gives you his phone number, and then keeps calling you at regular intervals just to tell you about his fucking Rattata.

“Remember my super-cool Rattata?” he asks you for the seventeenth time. “My Rattata is different from regular Rattata. It’s like my Rattata is in the top percentage of all Rattata.”

No mate, it’s like you’re in the top percentage of all annoying wee pricks. Pick up your Rattata and horse it into the bin where it belongs: they’re shite.


Golduck

055GolduckPsyduck is my favourite Pokémon of all time. This has been the case since the first generation and it remains the case to this day.

So why you would ever want to evolve it into Golduck is beyond me. It should be beyond you too, because Golduck is boring as hell.

Psyduck is all about the comic relief. He’s always got a dopey expression on his face, he’s always doing a silly waddle, he’s just daft. He’s great.

Golduck is Psyduck with self-confidence, which is shit. It’s the Pokémon equivalent of Ricky Gervais when he stopped playing David Brent and started being a condescending religion-mocking prick on Twitter.

Keep Psyduck, cull Golduck.


Weepinbell

070WeepinbellWeepinbell was designed for one purpose only, and I’m not going to tell you what that purpose is because this is supposed to be a family-friendly game.

This sort of rampant hedonism has gone on for too long: if Nintendo and Game Freak want us to start taking them seriously, they have to remove Weepinbell.

Again, I’m not going to go into detail, but I can just imagine a parent seeing one on their TV for the first time (instead of hidden away on their child’s handheld screen) and being outraged at it.

I mean, it’s not like you can actually see the willy going in, but even so.


Seel

086SeelSeel is a seal. That’s the gimmick.

It isn’t even a special seal that does anything out of the ordinary: it can’t fly, or breathe fire or shite out spiders or anything like that.

Here’s what its various Pokedex entries say about it: its light blue fur keeps it warm, its hide is thick and tough, and it likes swimming in cold water. That’s it. That’s what an actual seal does, mate.

I get that a number of Pokémon are loosely based on real animals (or sometimes inanimate objects), but at least there’s usually a twist: a mouse that’s electric, for example, or a pony that can set things on fire.

This seal’s twist is that it’s a fucking seal. The onyl positive about it is that at least it has no problem getting in the sea, where it belongs.


Jynx

124JynxLook, you know why this one has to go.

I don’t need to say any more. You can tell why by looking at it. I’m just typing to fill up space so the image doesn’t overlap with the next entry.

I’ll tell you a joke to pass the time, shall I? Right, let’s see.

I was out walking one night when a woman approached me on the street and asked me: “Hey there, how would you like super sex?”

“Sounds good to me,” I replied, “but if you don’t mind, I’ll just have the soup.”


Unown

201UnownI’m very much a big fan of catching ‘em all, as the mantra commands.

And yes, I get that Pokémon Sword & Shield won’t have all of ‘em. That said though, my aim will still be to catch as many of ‘em as the game deems I gotta.

I’ve always been annoyed by Unown, though. You see, there are 28 different versions of the prick, each based on a different letter of the alphabet (plus a question mark and exclamation mark).

If Unown is in Sword & Shield, then, logic dictates that all of ‘em gotta be catched.

I don’t have time for that. You don’t have time for that. Even if you think you do, you don’t: it’ll just be time you could have spent going on a walk or riding a bike or frowning disapprovingly at Jynx.


Dunsparce

206DunsparceDunsparce is a snake, which initially sounds cool as hell until you actually look at the thing.

Its eyes are permanently closed. It has wings that don’t really do anything. It burrows into the ground and runs away when you get near it.

It’s a Normal-type Pokémon, which means it can’t hit any other Pokémon with an effective attack. Its stats are useless.

It doesn’t evolve into anything. It doesn’t do anything of any note.

It’s a nothing. It’s shite. Put it in a large bin and get on with your life.


Miltank

241MiltankNature is a wonderful thing. It’s often fascinating to see how different animals interact, communicate, eat, feed, sleep and ultimately exist together.

What’s slightly less fascinating, though, is a giant cow jamming its tits in your face.

Miltank makes no bones about the fact it has massive, pink teats and takes great pleasure in showing them off to all and sundry.

According to the Pokedex, it can produce over five gallons of milk every day, which is just something I never needed to know.

Save it for Attenborough, pal.


Whismur

293WhismurWhat even IS this thing.

It looks like a stuffed bunny’s head detached itself from the rest of its body, grew legs, walked into its parents’ bedroom and saw them having sex, then carved its own eyes out in horror.

Its gimmick is that it’s usually quiet but when it’s in danger it lets out a cry that’s as loud as a jet plane taking off.

Even worse, because it breathes through its ears, this extremely loud cry can last forever and continue non-stop.

Why is it a thing? Its face is terrifying, I don’t want to look at it and imagine what other horrors it’s seen. Get it out of my sight.


Sharpedo

319SharpedoI know, I know. Sharks are inherently cool.

Sharpedo’s cool too, don’t get me wrong. Just look at it: red eyes, huge teeth. I know my sharks, and that’s a shark alright.

It’s even got notches in its fin, which makes it look like it was in a massive fight and lived to tell the tale. It is undoubtedly a bad-ass Pokémon.

So why would I want to get rid of it, then, if it’s so ruddy bloody brilliant?

Because its name makes it sound like it’s a paedophile shark (at least in the UK it does). And we don’t have time for any of that.


Spoink

325SpoinkWhen your name sounds like a shit character from a ‘90s children’s TV show, you should probably just scrap the idea there and then.

Spoink is basically a pig with a spring for legs, which is crap in itself, but when you consider that it actually needs to keep bouncing to keep its heart beating – even when it’s asleep – it becomes clear just how shit it is.

In case you’re wondering about the pink blob on the top of its head, that’s actually a pearl. Apparently the pearl gives it psychic powers.

That in itself is a bit of a curse, because every time it reads someone’s mind it probably hears “oh no, it’s a Spoink. I would genuinely not be upset if every Spoink in the world was Thanosed out of existence.”

Fuck off, Spoink.


Castform

351Castform“Okay fellow Game Freak colleagues, welcome to another Pokémon design brainstorming meeting. Let’s try to come up with some cool new creatures.”

“Well, Tajiri-san, I was just thinking… nah, never mind.”

“No, come on, there’s no such thing as a bad idea.”

“Well… um, what if a sperm had breasts?”

“…”

“And not just breasts, but also a little Lone Ranger mask, so it’s a sort of bandit sperm? Only… it’s, um, a bandit sperm… with tits and stuff.”

“You’re fired.”

“Again?”

“Actually, that’s a good point, what the fuck are you doing back here? We let you go after you created that dick-eating plant.”


Daisy

SuperMarioParty_DaisyI know, Daisy isn’t technically a Pokémon as such.

That said, we’re talking about binning characters here, so it would be wrong of me not to put her name forward anyway, just in case.

Daisy is the worst thing to ever happen to gaming, and I’m counting loot boxes in that.

The best thing she ever did was turn into a monster in Super Mario Land, and that’s because it wasn’t her. It was the monster. Pretending to be her.

Because there’s nothing more monstrous than wanting to be Daisy.


Luvdisc

370LuvdiscLet’s put aside the fact that Luvdisc sounds like a sex aid that you slip up your Nat King Cole for added stimulation.

Instead, let’s focus on the fact that it looks like one too.

It’s said that if a couple comes across a Luvdisc they will be blessed with eternal love.

That’s probably because one of them will say “man, do I fucking HATE Luvdiscs”, then the other will say “you do? I do too!” then they realise they’re soulmates and get married.

Here’s the twist though: EVERYONE hates Luvdiscs. And don’t go telling me in the comments that you like them. You actually don’t. You just haven’t realised it yet.


Bidoof

399BidoofThis goofy-looking prick is some sort of beaver thing, only it’s significantly fluffier than your standard beaver.

Its enormous teeth are constantly growing, so it has to keep gnawing on rocks to maintain a reasonable length.

Why would you want something with such a major flaw? Even worse, according to some of the Pokedex entries, its teeth grow at the same length as Rattata’s. And we’ve already come to the conclusion that Rattata is shite.

The only good thing about Bidoof is its name, because that’s exactly the sound it would make if you punted it off a wall.


Trubbish

568TrubbishHere’s the only Pokémon in this list that (at the time of writing) is actually confirmed for Sword & Shield.

I don’t care, though. Patch the bastard out. There should be no place for it here.

You could tell that Pokémon designs were starting to get a little less innovative by the time they got to Trubbish, which is number bloody 568.

It’s clear that by this point the designers were just looking around the house for inspiration. “What’s that, dear? You want me to take the bins out? Aha, you GENIUS. I’ll get my pen.”

No arguments here: this is literally a bag of shite. Patch it out.


Ducklett

580DucklettI’ve already made my love for Psyduck clear: this cannot be emphasised enough.

As such, while I have nothing against Ducklett to any serious degree, my issues with it are that:

• it’s a duck
• it exists

My suggestion, then, is to change the latter of these points, and the former will sort itself out as a result.

Sorry Ducklett. In any other world you would have made the cut, but in a world where Psyduck exists your existence is meaningless.


Klink

599KlinkCome on now, just look at the fucking thing.

It’s literally two gears joined together. Not even joined together, actually, there’s a gap. It can’t even do that right.

According to their Pokedex entries, they generate the energy they need to live by… let me just look at my notes again here… ah yes, locking together and spinning around.

Maybe because that’s the only bastard thing they can do.

Throw them in the klink, more like. By which I mean jail. By which I mean get rid of them.

Look, I’m running out of clever ways to rewrite the same thing over and over again. Just go with it.


Cubchoo

613CubchooI’ve got a bit of a thing about bodily fluids: I’m not a massive fan of seeing them (incidentally, that’s also a great pick-up line).

Cubchoo plucks all my warning strings because of the enormous drop of snot that constantly hangs from its nose.

Even worse, this snot is what it uses to attack its opponents. What a manky bastard.

How’s this for a Pokedex entry: “It sniffs the snot back up because the mucus provides the raw material for its moves.”

Ugh. I never want to see it again.


Klefki

707KlefkiFinally, there’s one of the absolute, objectively shittiest Pokémon designs of all time.

Klefki is a keyring. That’s it. Its main selling point is that it collects keys and will “threaten any attackers by fiercely jingling their keys at them”.

That’s what you when you’re trying to distract a baby, not win a virtual cock fight.

I wouldn’t be surprised if its alternate attack is getting a tablet out and showing its opponent the Baby Shark video.

Here’s what to do. Round up all the other Pokémon I’ve already mentioned, use Klefki’s keys to lock them up in a big cell, then chuck Klefki down a drain.

Follow these steps, Game Freak, and you’ll have successfully reduced your roster without upsetting anyone. ANYONE.

I mean, not that any of this matters, because it’s too late to do anything about it now.


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2 comments

  1. I’ve never played a Pokemon game, but do remember the Pokemon from the original cartoon series and they all seemed pretty great (Psyduck was my favourite too!). I can’t believe some of these ones though – a keyring, a pair of cogs, a bag of rubbish and what, a butt plug?! These are so naff, I can’t believe Pokemon is still popular. Sounds like they should cull back to the original 150 or whatever it was. I’ve never liked the idea of collecting 100s of Pokemon, but even more so now I know there are ones like these! Funny article, thanks for the laughs.

    Like

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