TOH Podcast 46 – Kate with a K, Gray with an A

In this special bumper two-hour bastard of a podcast, I’m finally joined again by the brilliant Kate Gray, who returns due to popular demand. Engage ear canals:

In episode 46 Kate and I discuss the backlash to Pokémon Legends: Arceus’s graphics and generally chat about what it’s like when you review a triple-A game and are eventually subjected to a backlash. It’s basically a big moan to make us feel better.

Don’t worry though, we also find time to make jokes about Shigeru Miyamoto smothering people in their sleep.

How to listen

If you’re just listening while browsing, the podcast was at the top of this article. Click play and you’re off and running.

If you’d rather have the MP3 as a downloadable file so you can stick it on your media player of choice, right-click and save this link.

If you’ve got iTunes, you can find the podcast there by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or just following this link. Please subscribe if you enjoy it, and write up a wee review.

Alternatively, the Tired Old Hack Podcast is now on Spotify! You can listen to it by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or by following this link if you have the appropriate app installed.

Or, if you’d rather use your own podcast app, use this feed URL to subscribe to the podcast and get access to new episodes as they’re added:

https://tiredoldhackdotcom.wordpress.com/category/podcast/feed/

10 obscure Activision games you can pretentiously cite while talking about the Xbox deal

Ever since it was announced last week that Microsoft had agreed to buy Activision Blizzard, the internet has been full of people rhyming off Activision games that could now potentially be resurrected as Xbox exclusives.

Naturally, the usual suspects keep popping up: Call of Duty, Crash Bandicoot, Tony Hawk, Guitar Hero and so on. But the reality is that given Activision’s 40+ year history, if you really wanted to you could delve way back into the company’s archives to come up with something obscure to make you sound really clever.

And when I say ‘really clever’, I mean ‘like an absolute wank who clearly just looked up a list of Activision games on Wikipedia to pretend you have an encyclopaedic knowledge, when in reality you’ve got no fucking idea what Rescue on Fractalus is, but you saw LucasArts was involved so fuck it, it’ll sound good’.

Well, allow yer man to put in the effort for you. I’ve put together this list of 10 games that nobody in their right mind would actually cite as their most-wanted Activision comeback, all for your benefit.

All you have to do is memorise these ten monologues, and the next time you want to sound like an insufferable know-it-all prick at a party, simply recite one word-for-word. You’re welcome!


Sky Jinks

“I know we’re all talking about Call of Duty, and sure, that’s probably fine if you like your games a little mainstream. But have you ever heard of Sky Jinks?

“You probably haven’t. That’s okay, most people under 40 haven’t. It was an Atari 2600 game released in 1982 and is about flying a plane round a series of pylons in a sort of slalom race.

“It’s been commonly reported that the game was used by social psychologist Roy Baumeister to conduct psychological research into performance anxiety.

“Roy Baumeister? Surely you’re familiar with his work? No? Oh dear. Well, I strongly recommend his non-fiction thesis entitled Is There Anything Good About Men: How Cultures Flourish By Exploiting Men. I think you’ll find it fascinating.

“Sorry? An incel? No, I think you must have mistaken me, madam.”


Shamu’s Deep Sea Adventures

“Don’t you miss the good old days when SeaWorld was allowed to imprison giant killer whales without those pesky tree-huggers getting all uppity in their faux leather waistcoats?

“Join me, colleague, as I petition Microsoft to remaster Shamu’s Deep Sea Adventures, a game in which you try to prevent SeaWorld being destroyed.

“Not by do-gooder beatniks, I should stress. Sweet Christ, no. In this game, you control Shamu as he literally fights Poseidon himself (who wants to replace SeaWorld with Atlantis).

“A game in which you literally fight on behalf of your captors? Sounds a bit like paying tax in a socialist government, am I right *guffaw* *pushes glasses up nose*”


Little Computer People

“I’ve always been livid at the continued success of The Sims and its successors, because anyone with half a brain knows it wasn’t an original idea.

“No, we all know that Activision released Little Computer People back in 1985 and was basically exactly the same game (except for the parts where it was different).

“If Microsoft had a shred of sense it would return Little Computer People to its rightful place and dethrone the charlatan pretender that has falsely claimed dominance for so long.

“There’s no better time, either, for what could be more relevant in the modern era than a game about surveillance and watching people through your computer?

“After all, have you heard of Twitch? It’s a… oh, you have? Hrmph. Well I suppose they’ll let pretty much anyone access video streaming these days.”


Tongue of the Fatman

“I’ll tell you, if there’s one game I’d love to see make a comeback as a consequence of this new deal, it’s Tongue of the Fatman.

“You may know it best as Slaughter Sport on the Sega Mega Drive, or maybe as Mondu’s Fight Palace on the Commodore 64, but chances are you don’t know it at all because you aren’t quite as well-versed as me on these things.

“The game itself isn’t much cop, but the final boss does have a large stomach with a face on it and it can lash you with its tongue like a whip.

“And if there’s anything I know, it’s how to give someone a right good tongue-lashing, especially when they’ve had the gall to park near my home. That’s private property. Actually, it isn’t, but it’s close enough to unnerve me and that’s just as bad.”


Zork Zero: The Revenge of Megaboz

“You know, by acquiring Activision, Microsoft is also rather shrewdly acquiring the companies it had already acquired. A sort of acquireception, if you will. It may not be a word yet, but I have enough clout to make it a reality.

“This means it also owns Infocom, the interactive fiction specialists who were merged into Activision back in 1986, and with it their host of adventure games too.

“Any hapless fucking prole can cite Zork as an example: hell, the original was included as an easter egg in a Call of Duty game, which shows you how sickeningly mainstream it is.

“No, friend, I’m more interested in Zork Zero, which is the eighth game in the series. My knowledge on it is patchy, but the very fact I know about the eighth anything in the series means I must be pretty knowledgeable.

“Incidentally, I mentioned this game to a Scotsman once, and the silly jock bastard started laughing when I said ‘Megaboz’ for some reason.”


Band Hero

“I appreciate that some ‘clever’ souls have realised that Microsoft could now resurrect Guitar Hero, should it so desire, but that’s just so mind-numbingly predictable it makes me want to yawn my soul out of my chinos.

“Instead, we should be petitioning for the relaunch of Band Hero, the lesser-known spin-off which featured a wider range of artists than just those in the overused rock genre, which I generally find to be somewhat beneath me.

“It doesn’t just appeal to those with a refined musical palate like me, of course. Who wouldn’t want to have another chance to strum along to the likes of 3 Doors Down, Joss Stone and Hilary Duff? That’s who the youngsters still like these days, isn’t it?

“What’s more, players could export the songs to other Guitar Hero games, which proved to be a slight miscue when people unlocked Kurt Cobain in Guitar Hero 5 and then used him to sing YMCA by The Village People.

“The whole thing led to a messy lawsuit when No Doubt sued Activision for the same reason, but if there’s one thing Activision knows, it’s lawsuits.”


Shanghai

“Have you ever referred to mahjong solitaire as Shanghai? Did you know that the name is actually a trademark owned by Activision (and occasionally licensed out to Sunsoft back in the day)?

“Well, now you do. And I’ll bet you feel like a prize goose for all the times you’ve called it Shanghai to your friends, just like when people say they’re going to do the hoovering instead of the vacuuming.

“How about Astroturf? Or Band-Aid? Or Sellotape? Or Biro? Or Bubble Wrap? Or Dictaphone? Or Frisbee? Or JCB? Or Jacuzzi? All the same thing.

“Or Onesies? Or Tannoy? Or Tupperware? Or Super Glue? Or Rollerblades? Or Post-Its? Or… I sense I’m losing you here, I’m trying to educate you.”


Paparazzi!: Tales of Tinseltown

“You know something, there’s nothing better in my eyes than when a jumped-up celebrity is ruthlessly hunted down by a paparazzo looking for that jackpot photo.

“You know some of them literally lie in the gutters so they can try to get a shot in between a female celebrity’s legs when they’re trying to get out of a car?

“Of course, the woke brigade don’t allow things like that these days, some nonsense about common decency and not being vermin, but it’s all a lot of fluster if you ask me.

“My point is that Paparazzi! is an early FMV game about the good old days, when you could spy on situations from afar with a wide-angle lens and try to get literal money shots.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that, Pokémon Snap is exactly the same thing. If you replace the Pokémon with human women.”


Spycraft: The Great Game

“Speaking of FMV games, it takes a great intellect to appreciate the genre – a lot of saps write it off, when in reality those capable of thinking outside the box can actually see its benefits.

“Take Spycraft, a game about an attempted assassination on the US President. Granted, it’s a completely linear game full of video clips, but the thing is as tense as it gets.

“Not only that, the game was created in collaboration with former CIA director William Colby and former KGB Major-General Oleg Kalugin, both of whom appear in the game too.

“Just a year after the game was released, Colby died when he went out on a solo canoe trip and his canoe was ‘found’ lying upside-down. Some people suggest foul play, naturally.

“Meanwhile, Kalugin is still alive and well, and if you’d like my lengthy take on the history of Russian espionage despite me having never studied it to any real academic level then I’ll happily bend your ear for a few hours: this party’s pretty boring anyway.”


Leather Goddesses of Phobos II: Gas Pump Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X!

“A lot has been said recently about Bobby Kotick and the way he’s overseen rampant sexism and discrimination in Activision without making any real effort to do anything about it. But I call both poppycock and balderdash on that in equal measure.

“After all, just a year after Kotick became CEO of Activision in 1991, the company released this charming little adventure game which was a little saucy in a purely harmless way.

“I have no doubt whatsoever that should it be re-released in the present era it would be met with the same welcoming open arms than it was in 1992, when it… well, it didn’t review very well, actually.

“But listen, neither did The Wizard of Oz when it was first released in cinemas. And how many Academy Awards did It’s A Wonderful Life, Reservoir Dogs and The Shawshank Redemption win combined? Zero, my friend.

“And if we live in a world where the likes of The Terminator, Drive and The Big Lebowski can exist without enjoying the taste of Oscar success, I’m sure we can live in a world where Leather Goddesses of Phobos II can get a second chance as well.

“Wait, come back. I’m so alone.”


If you enjoyed this and other articles and want to help me write them more frequently, please consider donating to my Patreon account. You’ll get early access to some articles as well as other behind the scenes information on the site and my books.

Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like what you read feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid here or there and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.

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Want to watch my videos in full 4K on your 4K TV? Simply subscribe to my channel on YouTube then sign into your YouTube app on your telly.

TOH Podcast 45 – Back to business

Now that normal service has resumed in yer man Scullion’s life, that means you can expect a regular helping of audio goodness in your ears again. And what do you know, here’s some now:

In episode 45 I’m joined by my wife Louise for the first time in around 3 years, to discuss how our three-year-old daughter is already better than her at Forza Horizon 5.

We also discuss NFTs (ugh), console wars (ugh) and what we’re most looking forward to in 2022.

How to listen

If you’re just listening while browsing, the podcast was at the top of this article. Click play and you’re off and running.

If you’d rather have the MP3 as a downloadable file so you can stick it on your media player of choice, right-click and save this link.

If you’ve got iTunes, you can find the podcast there by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or just following this link. Please subscribe if you enjoy it, and write up a wee review.

Alternatively, the Tired Old Hack Podcast is now on Spotify! You can listen to it by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or by following this link if you have the appropriate app installed.

Or, if you’d rather use your own podcast app, use this feed URL to subscribe to the podcast and get access to new episodes as they’re added:

https://tiredoldhackdotcom.wordpress.com/category/podcast/feed/

The 10 Best Games of 2021

This article is available in both written and video format. The video shows the games in action in full 4K and 60 frames per second while I read the article as a voiceover, so if you watch the video you won’t need to read the written article that follows since it’s the same ‘script’.

Well, it’s been a year.

2021 has been a pretty stressful one for me, and not just for the obvious reason of the COVID-19 pandemic continuing to hang over the world.

Last year finally saw me returning to full-time games journalism for the first time in six years, as I joined VGC as its features editor.

I also wrote two books last year: a book about platformers called Jumping for Joy, and the N64 Encyclopedia. Both will be released in 2022.

Despite all that writing, and having a three-year-old to help raise on top of it all, I did somehow manage to find time to play some games last year (though many of these were reviews).

With that in mind, let’s mark the return of Tired Old Hack with that annual tradition: yer man Scullion’s 10 favourite games of the past year.

As ever, there are a few caveats to bear in mind before we get started:

• it’s in alphabetical order, not best-to-worst. I can’t be arsed deciding whether a game was my 6th or 7th favourite of the year. They’re all great: get them all.

• before you even think about writing a comment saying this, I didn’t “forget” anything. I haven’t played every game released this year, and this is my personal list. So no, I didn’t forget Metroid Dread or Deathloop or Halo Infinite, I just haven’t played them yet.

That said, let’s get cracking!


The Ascent

The cyberpunk aesthetic rarely does anything for me now.

It’s overused these days, and it takes something pretty special to make a game stand out from the rest of the other moody neon-lit environments I’ve seen over the years.

The Ascent does just that by not only creating a world that’s been meticulously designed but also wrapping it around a genuinely entertaining and satisfying twin-stick shooter.

Its cover mechanic adds a nice verticality to what usually feels like a flat genre, and it’s really satisfying to take out a big gang of enemies single-handedly.

At the time of writing it’s still on Xbox Game Pass, so if you’re a subscriber you really have no excuse not to at least give it a whirl and see if it clicks with you too.


Cruis’n Blast

I’ve always been a fan of arcade racing games, going all the way back to the days of Out Run and Chase HQ.

Even those that are generally considered to be a bit rubbish, such as Cruis’n USA, still managed to find a way to hold my interest, and to this day I’ll happily boot one up, jam the accelerator down and fling myself around corners with reckless abandon.

Cruis’n Blast is the spiritual successor to Cruis’n USA, but the main difference is that it’s a genuinely brilliant game, rather than fun in an ironic way.

It provides the sort of arcade racing action that you probably picture in your head when you think of ‘90s arcade racers, when in reality they were never actually this over-the-top and exhilarating.

Cruis’n Blast starts you off with a range of fancy vehicles, but then quickly shifts over to silliness allowing you to race as the likes of a helicopter, a unicorn, a triceratops or a hammerhead shark.

Meanwhile, the stages are full of ridiculous set pieces, my favourite being the London stage, which opens with the London Eye falling off its supports and rolling through the city, dropping its capsules on you.

No game last year provided such a consistent level of action and I still play it on a regular basis, months after reviewing it.


Forza Horizon 5

I don’t think it’s a massive coincidence that a Forza Horizon game has finally received wide support for game of the year contention now that Xbox has released a console that’s more popular than the Xbox One.

Anyone who saw my top 10 games of 2018 would have seen Forza Horizon 4 in there, and even though it didn’t enjoy the same sort of widespread appeal Forza Horizon 5 is now getting, that more or less did the same sort of thing, albeit this time there’s a change of location from the UK to Mexico.

To be fair, the fifth game’s not entirely identical. The new Accolades system gives players a bit more freedom to progress through the game by focusing mainly on the things they prefer to do, be that racing, exploring, playing online or collecting cars.

It isn’t massively different from its predecessors, then, but when its predecessors are so fantastic in the first place that can only be a good thing.

I’m just happy that the series is finally getting the widespread recognition that it deserves, rather than being considered one of the better titles on a console nobody cared about.


GoldenEye 007 HD

Okay, I know, I’m technically cheating with this one, because this Xbox 360 remaster of GoldenEye 007 was originally supposed to be released in 2008, but was ultimately cancelled for all manner of reasons.

That said, it was only this year that the vast majority of us even found out about it, and the fact it was then leaked to the public and made fully playable on modded Xbox 360 consoles means that to all intents and purposes it was ‘new’ in 2021. Look, it’s my list.

The 360 remaster improves on the original in every way imaginable, from a vastly enhanced frame rate and resolution to new textures and character models.

The twin-stick aiming brings it in line with modern FPS titles and it’s just generally a better game all around.

At the time of writing this, achievements for an Xbox One version have just been discovered, so with any luck this year we’ll actually be getting a proper, official GoldenEye remaster. Fingers crossed for 4K and 120fps support.


It Takes Two

You have to jump through some hoops before you can start playing It Takes Two.

Firstly, you have to find a willing co-op partner, and secondly, you have to make sure that they’re as handy with a controller as you are: this isn’t a game that provides handicaps for partners who may not be as well versed in video games.

This creates an unfortunate barrier to entry for a selection of players, but for those who fit the bill, It Takes Two is one of the greatest co-op experiences you’ll ever enjoy.

Its strength lies in its ability to constantly introduce new ideas with each stage, ensuring the gameplay never starts to feel stale or repetitive.

The ending is a little bit weak, which for a game about plot is a slight disappointment, but that aside, in terms of pure gameplay it’s a fantastic two-player title and a journey that’s not to be missed, as long as you know someone good enough to accompany you on it.


The Medium

I’m sure a lot of hilarious folk will tell you that Bloober Team’s latest horror game The Medium has that title because that’s roughly where its Metacritic scores lie.

But there was something about this brilliantly atmospheric title that just caught my attention and held onto it throughout its fairly brief duration.

I think it’s because to some extent it reminded me of the brilliant Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, in that it’s a horror game where the player can’t actually fight back, and the only way to survive is to avoid the horrors you encounter.

More than that, though, it’s just a beautiful-looking game, and its interesting split-screen gimmick makes really effective use of the extra power of the Xbox Series X by essentially rendering two worlds at the same time.

It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you fancy a horror game that isn’t massively difficult, isn’t 30 hours long and focuses more on explanation than combat, then The Medium is a fascinating wee adventure.


Nintendo’s remakes and remasters

Let’s face it. I could probably have filled half this list with all the remakes and remasters Nintendo released this year, but rather than give you a hugely predictable list, I decided to just lump them all into one entry.

The most notable one was released early in the year: Super Mario 3D World didn’t change too much from its Wii U version but it didn’t really have to, because it was already fantastic as it was.

What was more interesting about it was the addition of Bowser’s Fury, a curious wee take on what could be the future direction of Mario games, with one large open-world environment split into smaller islands. It was brief, but great fun.

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2021 also saw the release of Skyward Sword HD, a much-needed 1080p revamp of the somewhat underrated Wii exclusive. I think a lot of people turned against it at the time because motion controls were starting to become a bad word by then, but time heals all wounds and it feels like it’s appreciated more these days, partly thanks to this new version.

At the end of the year we also got Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl, which were the very definition of ‘if it’s not broke, don’t fix it’. Although the gameplay didn’t differ too much from the DS originals, I still spent weeks enjoying its newly chibi-fied environments, and just falling in love with Pokémon all over again.

Easily the most interesting one for me, though, was the Famicom Detective Club games. These were both previously only released in Japan back at the end of the ‘80s and I’d always wanted to try them out, so to finally get an official localisation after more than 30 years was quite special.

Add to that the fact that they were beautifully remade with fantastic illustrations, as well as the option to switch between newly arranged soundtracks and the original Famicom Disk System music, just made the whole thing a massive love letter to a series that nobody in the west saw coming, and I think that’s why I loved it so much.


Returnal

I’m really not usually a fan of procedural generation in games, so when I was handed Returnal for review, I really wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did.

It turns out, however, that Housemarque’s first attempt at a third-person action-adventure game is so compelling that I found myself staying up to 3-4 in the morning giving it the old “one more go” routline each time I died. Which was a lot.

It’s funny, because Housemarque is generally known more for its 2D shoot ‘em ups like Resogun and the Super Stardust games, and in a sense Returnal still plays very much like one of these.

Each enemy has its own attack pattern and you’ll spend plenty of time diving out of the way of enormous seas of bullets, just like you would in a shoot ‘em up.

I think this level of action and the fact that everything constantly runs at a nippy pace made me warm a lot more to it, and as such it’s one of those rare examples of a procedural generation game that clicked for me.


Sonic Colours Ultimate

I’ve always been an unashamed fan of Sonic games: yes, even the rubbish ones. Sonic Colours was never a rubbish one, though: its main problem is that it was a Wii exclusive that arrived at a time when a lot of people had lost interest in both the Wii and Sonic games.

As such, a lot of players didn’t discover Sonic Colours the first time around, with some presumably fobbing it off as the latest in a long line of disappointing Sonic games.

This wasn’t another Sonic & The Black Knight or Sonic Unleashed, though. Sonic Colours is what happens when modern 3D Sonic gameplay works as well as it possibly could.

This HD remaster still has its fair share of bugs – especially on the Switch version at launch, though most of these have since been fixed – but when everything all clicks together, it’s a fantastic combination of 3D high-speed sections and slower paced 2D platforming sections, with the Wisp power-ups adding a bit of variety.

If you’ve been dismissing Sonic Colours all this time because it’s a relatively recent Sonic game that isn’t Sonic Mania, you should really give it a chance, because it’s about as good as the modern 3D era Sonic gets.


Wrestling Empire

Finally, here’s one I gave an average score to when I reviewed it for Nintendo Life (though that score did come with a disclaimer).

At face value, Wrestling Empire is an absolute mess. It’s got more bugs than the storage cupboards of a spider farm and it looks uglier than a hate crime, but the great thing about it is that it’s in on the joke.

You can fill up the ring with an obscene number of wrestlers all at once and watch as the whole thing devolves into a complete uncontrollable shambles, and that just makes the thing so entertaining.

I stand by my original score of 6/10 because I think for the vast majority of players hoping to play a decent wrestling game, they’re not going to find it here. This isn’t anywhere near on level of the likes of WWF No Mercy or even the modern WWE 2K games (yes, even the bad ones) in terms of stability.

But anyone expecting a laugh and doesn’t mind a game that fully embraces how broken it is will have a hilarious time with it, especially if you can find others to struggle with it alongside you.


If you enjoyed this and other articles and want to help me write them more frequently, please consider donating to my Patreon account. You’ll get early access to some articles as well as other behind the scenes information on the site and my books.

Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like what you read feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid here or there and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.

Donate with PayPal

Alternatively, if you can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link or Amazon US shopping via this linkTired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.

Want to watch my videos in full 4K on your 4K TV? Simply subscribe to my channel on YouTube then sign into your YouTube app on your telly.

Buy the Sega Mega Drive & Genesis Encyclopedia Now!

It’s that time of year again, folks.

After releasing The NES Encyclopedia in 2019 and The SNES Encyclopedia last year, it was only fair that Sega should get in on the action too.

With that in mind, I give to you the third book in my series, The Sega Mega Drive & Genesis Encyclopedia.

Not only does this book cover every Mega Drive and Genesis book released in America, Europe and Australia, it also covers every Mega CD / Sega CD and 32X game released in those regions too.

That makes it the biggest book in the series so far, not only in terms of page count (its about 18 pages bigger than the SNES book), but also its number of games (991 in total).

As with last year, you can now pre-order a signed copy directly from me at the book’s cover price plus postage (UK only). Keep scrolling down if you want to do just that right now. Sorry, signed copies are now gone!

Also as before, the exact release date isn’t confirmed: the book’s being printed in Hong Kong this year so it’ll basically be ready when it’s ready, but I’d estimate late September or early October.

Last year there were two different versions of the book: the North American version showed the NTSC SNES (with its lilac buttons) on the cover, while the European version showed the PAL SNES (with its Super Famicom styled coloured buttons).

This time, to avoid the potential logistical nightmare of changing the words Mega Drive and Genesis throughout the book, it’s one book for the entire world. What you see here is what you get.

Want to see some sample spreads? Here’s one each from the Mega Drive, Mega CD and 32X sections.

As with my previous books, The Sega Mega Drive & Genesis Encyclopedia is available at all good book shops (and some rubbish ones too, probably). Be it Amazon (all countries), Waterstones, Barnes & Noble, Indigo Chapters or even Walmart, just search for ‘Chris Scullion’ on your site of choice and with any luck you’ll find it available to pre-order.

Whether you were quick enough to buy a signed copy directly from me, or you decide to buy one direct from the publisher or buy one from any other bookstore you prefer, thank you so much regardless.

The NES book was my dream project, and the fact that it now looks like I’m writing them on an annual basis for the foreseeable future is beyond anything I could have expected, and it’s all thanks to you lot buying them.

I really hope you enjoy this one when you get it, and I’ll see you next year for the Nintendo 64 Encyclopedia!

Chris x

A note on Tired Old Hack’s status during the rest of 2021

Well, hello there. It’s been a while.

Last year I went on a wee bit of a Twitter rant in which I explained that I was disappointed I’d only managed to write 26 articles on Tired Old Hack in 2020.

It wasn’t due to laziness or anything, mind you: it basically boiled down a number of things, most notably my daughter’s nursery closing down due to the COVID pandemic.

At the time I was working part-time and had hoped I would be able to spend a couple of days a week working on Tired Old Hack stuff, but when the nursery shut down my priorities obviously completely changed.

Artist’s impression of me taking care of my daughter

As part of my Twitter thread, I ended on a positive note, saying that everything was finally starting to fall back into place again, and that disruption was back to a minimum. I set myself a new goal: 100 Tired Old Hack articles in 2021.

The one you’re reading right now is the third.

Pardon my pessimism, but I don’t think I’m going to hit the milestone. But this isn’t a ‘woe is me’ article: quite the opposite, actually. The reason I’ve failed in my task is because life has continued to throw unexpected changes, and they’ve been good ones.

Because the pandemic rules allowed for childcare and because my mum used to be a professional childminder, she and my dad started looking after Serena as an alternative to nursery. In theory, because I was working part-time, this was going to free up two days a week for me.

I’d agreed to write two books this year: the N64 Encyclopedia and Jumping For Joy (my spin-off book about platformers). With two free days a week to hammer them, that would free up evenings for Tired Old Hack stuff.

The plan lasted a fortnight, because on 15 January I agreed to return to professional games journalism and work full-time for VGC. Yes, yer man is back in amongst it again. Look, we’ve even got a podcast and everything!

I’m so happy to be back doing what I know best again, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t mess up my year a bit. Working full-time is great, but I had already committed to writing two books in 2021, under the impression I’d be working part-time.

Long story short, that’s why Tired Old Hack has flatlined this year: I simply don’t have enough hours in the day, and it’s the only thing I’m juggling that doesn’t have contractual or family commitments to it, therefore it’s the only thing that can realistically take a back seat.

Importantly, though, it’s a temporary one. I’m currently working on The Nintendo 64 Encyclopedia, with the aim to finish it by the end of the year, so the site will probably remain pretty quiet until it’s done because all my free time will be spent working on that.

However, Jumping For Joy was originally planned to be the first in a series of genre-based spin-offs. When I still thought I was going to be working part-time, the plan was to write a genre book, then an Encyclopedia, then a genre book and so on. The second book was going to be about racing games and I was going to start it in January 2022.

Now that I’m full-time again, I just can’t write two books a year. That’s crazy. So the publisher and I have agreed to scrap that series, turning Jumping For Joy into a one-off.

It’s looking good, mind

This basically frees up the entire year for me to write Encyclopedia 5 next year, which in turn will give me more free time again, which in turn will see Tired Old Hack returning.

When the site comes back in 2022, the focus will be almost entirely on retro gaming. Any modern gaming coverage I’ll be writing will be for VGC, with the exception of daft comedy stuff, which will be better suited to here.

Kartography will be back, the VHS Preservation Project will be back, loads of feature ideas I’ve had sitting waiting but haven’t had the chance to implement yet will still be coming too. I’ll also be doing retro reviews of games requested by Patrons (I’ve still got a list of requests from the first time I asked them, and will be doing those first).

And I’ll also be kicking off my ONM issue tours, which will see me taking you through every issue of ONM, complete with loads of brand new video footage as I re-review every game featured. Here’s the prologue for that if you haven’t seen it yet:

Long story short, then, the site is going to stay asleep for the rest of the year, with only a couple of exceptions (most notably the article that will let you pre-order for signed copies of the Mega Drive Encyclopedia: expect that in a few weeks, all going well).

Thanks for your patience, everyone. Please do continue to keep in touch on Twitter while the site’s having some downtime, and I hope you enjoy what I’ve got planned next year once my schedule becomes manageable.

See you in 2022!

Chris x

TOH Podcast 44 – It’s Only Bloody Dominik Diamond!

The Tired Old Hack Podcast is back, and it may just be the most exciting one yet.

I’m joined by none other than the legendary Dominik Diamond, the host of the greatest video game TV show ever made, GamesMaster.

Dominik is involved in a massive new book called GamesMaster: An Oral History, which currently has an ongoing Kickstarter campaign. Brilliantly, it met its target in just one day, so if you pledge you will definitely get it.

Dominik very kindly sat down with yer man for a full hour to talk not just about the book, but such other random topics as:

• how many celebrities who were on GamesMaster have now died
• the best thing about his hometown of Arbroath
• his views on the current state of Celtic football club
• his favourite province in Canada
• finally, the five games that have meant the most to him in his life

I’m so grateful to have had Dominik on the show – I’ve been a fan of his ever since a nine-year-old me first saw GamesMaster back in 1992, so I really hope you enjoy this episode.

How to listen

If you’re just listening while browsing, the podcast was at the top of this article. Click play and you’re off and running.

If you’d rather have the MP3 as a downloadable file so you can stick it on your media player of choice, right-click and save this link.

If you’ve got iTunes, you can find the podcast there by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or just following this link. Please subscribe if you enjoy it, and write up a wee review.

Alternatively, the Tired Old Hack Podcast is now on Spotify! You can listen to it by searching for ‘Tired Old Hack’ or by following this link if you have the appropriate app installed.

Or, if you’d rather use your own podcast app, use this feed URL to subscribe to the podcast and get access to new episodes as they’re added:

https://tiredoldhackdotcom.wordpress.com/category/podcast/feed/

A wee thing about Ninja and what his ‘job’ is

So, yesterday Ninja, arguably the world’s most famous streamer, told the New York Times that it wasn’t his job to educate children who make racist or sexist comments.

Naturally, being the type who doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut and prevent yet another obvious barrage of abuse, I tweeted about it.

As often happens in situations like this, my tweet was retweeted enough that it eventually came to the attention of Ninja fans who leapt to the guy’s defence (many of whom told me to “shut the fuck up”, sort of proving my point that this particular influencer could be influencing them a bit better).

When things like this happen there’s usually a single main argument that 99% of my responders jump onto and use. It’s almost as if they’ve all agreed among themselves that this is the silver bullet counter-argument and, yet, they all seem to think they’re the first person throwing their “AHA!” tweet at me, as if I haven’t already shot it down 20 times earlier that day.

It seems that this time the most common response I’m getting to my tweet about Ninja’s claim that it isn’t his job to speak out against racism and sexism is that “well, that’s because it’s the parent’s job to teach their child about that.” Continue reading “A wee thing about Ninja and what his ‘job’ is”

The 10 best games of 2020

This article is available in both written and video format. The video shows the games in action in full 4K and 60 frames per second while I read the article as a voiceover, so if you watch the video you won’t need to read the written article that follows since it’s the same ‘script’.

Look, let’s not go there. Every single article these days starts with a reference to the pandemic so let’s just focus on the fact that 2020 has been a pretty bloody interesting year for video games. After all, with two new consoles launched, the continued growth of Xbox Game Pass and whatever the hell Cyberpunk was, it’s fair to say there’s been a lot going on.

Despite the small matter of writing my Mega Drive Encyclopedia this year, I did manage to dabble with more than my fair share of new releases, partly thanks to my continued freelance review work. With that in mind, here’s yer man Scullion’s 10 favourite games of 2020.

As with last year’s list, there are a few caveats to bear in mind before we get started:

• it’s in alphabetical order, not best-to-worst. I can’t be arsed deciding whether a game was my 6th or 7th favourite of the year. They’re all great: get them all.

• before you even think about writing a comment saying this, I didn’t “forget” anything. I haven’t played every game released this year, and this is my personal list. So no, I didn’t forget Miles Morales or The Last of Us Part II. I just haven’t played them yet, and I’m not going to add games I didn’t play in case I end up not liking them.

That said, let’s get cracking! Continue reading “The 10 best games of 2020”

Dirt 5 review (Series X)

This review is available in both written and video format. Both versions have the same ‘script’, so if you’re able to watch the video I’d recommend doing that, since you can see the game in action without worrying about missing anything I’ve written. Even better, since we’ve now reached a new console generation, I’ve upgraded my video capture hardware, meaning the below review can be watched in 4K and 60 frames per second. Scroll down for the written version of the review, or here’s the video:

Codemasters
Xbox Series X/S, Xbox One, PS5, PS4, PC, Stadia (Xbox Series X version reviewed)

There was a time when the launch of a new system often meant something almost equally as exciting: the launch of a new Ridge Racer game to accompany it.

The PS1, PS2, PS3, PSP, Vita, Xbox 360 and 3DS were all blessed with a Ridge Racer game in the launch line-up, and they were always a safe bet because you knew you were going to get two things: a shitload of arcade racing greatness, and something visually impressive that would make your new console DANCE on day one.

Sadly, that was then. We haven’t had a proper Ridge Racer in over a decade, and if you’re talking proper numbered entries the last one was nearly 15 years ago. The days of buying a new console and a new Ridge Racer are gone. But do you know why I’m not so bothered about that with this new generation? Because we have Dirt 5 instead. Continue reading “Dirt 5 review (Series X)”