A message to Bonus Stage (formerly Brash Games) – Fuck you

UPDATE: Since this article was written, Paul Ryan has completely renamed his Brash Games site and is now masquerading as Bonus Stage instead. His hope is clearly that with this rebranding he can paint over the shit stains his previous site was covered in.

Let it be known that every reference to Brash Games below can also be attributed to Bonus Stage since it’s a shithawk in a normal hawk’s clothing.


There’s an unwritten rule in games journalism that you’re supposed to treat your fellow professionals with respect.

If you have any issues with another games journalist’s article it’s not really good practice to air those issues on Twitter (even though a lot of us do), and it’s certainly considered unprofessional to write up an article that outright calls them out.

That’s why you don’t get Kotaku publishing an article simply called “suck our holes, Polygon”. Some of them may think it, but it just isn’t professional to insult fellow games journalists.

Well, guess what. I’m not a professional anymore: I do Tired Old Hack in my free time. And so we’re fucking doing this. Continue reading “A message to Bonus Stage (formerly Brash Games) – Fuck you”

Let’s not piss around – the Switch is a handheld

nintendoswitch_hardware-0-0Ever since the late 1980s, when the Game Boy started its global dominance, there has been an overwhelming agreement on the difference between home consoles and handhelds.

A home console is one that, as the name suggests, can be played at home: you plug it into your television, sit back and enjoy all the platform-jumping, goal-scoring, enemy-fragging shindiggery you want from the comfort of your sofa.

A handheld, meanwhile, is a console you can take on the move with you. It has its own screen and, crucially, never needs a TV. You can take it wherever you like and play games on it no matter where you are in the world.

That’s why I’m really bewildered at the way many online are comparing the Switch to other consoles (including the Wii U). Although Nintendo – for some bizarre reason I still can’t comprehend – is adamant that the Switch is a home console, that’s frankly bullshit. It’s a handheld, and anyone saying otherwise is… well, ‘wrong’ sounds harsh. Not right, basically. Continue reading “Let’s not piss around – the Switch is a handheld”

Nintendo Switch presentation – Every announcement and trailer on one page

zelda-botwWell, it finally happened. Nintendo finally lifted the lid on the Switch and revealed all the juicy details.

The problem is, it did it in Japan. Which meant here in the UK we had to get up at 4am to see it.

Yer man Scullion did it. Because he’s a maniac. But there’s a real possibility you didn’t. Maybe you had work or school the next day, or maybe just “fuck that”.

The thing is, if that’s the case and you’ve just woken up and are ready to head out, you don’t have time to watch an hour-long presentation.

Enter yer man Scullion (not like that, you deviant). Continue reading “Nintendo Switch presentation – Every announcement and trailer on one page”

Super Mario Run is hardcore as shit if you give it a chance

smrs_marioSatan is ice-skating to work, pigs are getting their pilot’s licences and Mario is on the iPhone.

Yes, after years of ‘expert’ analysts saying Nintendo should make mobile games and Nintendo fans saying it shouldn’t, it’s finally actually happened.

The result is Super Mario Run, a game that’s split more people than a Hollywood divorce lawyer, with some saying it’s amazing and others claiming it’s a disaster.

Let’s break down why that may be, and why – cards on the table right away – I think it’s bloody brilliant. Continue reading “Super Mario Run is hardcore as shit if you give it a chance”

Review code, the ‘media’, YouTubers and all that shite

Right then. Let’s do this.

This is the only time I’m going to discuss this topic in any great detail. I’d rather Tired Old Hack focused more on games themselves than the bureaucracy that surrounds the way they’re covered, but given that it’s something that’s been a part of my life for a decade I might as well briefly give my take on it before moving on.

I should also make it clear here that if you’re someone who’s followed other gaming websites for a while, very little of this will be news to you. I’m only really writing this because, well, it’s my site and I want to put my opinion on the record, just so I have something to refer back to every time this happens in the future (and it will, many times). Continue reading “Review code, the ‘media’, YouTubers and all that shite”

E3 2016 conference breakdown podcast

E3 2016 is upon us and since I’m still resting my RSI-riddled hand I’ve decided to put together a one-off podcast instead.

Listen on for 85 minutes of gaming goodness as I break down EA, Bethesda, Ubisoft, Microsoft and Sony’s conferences, as well as why I won’t be covering Nintendo’s and why we should all stop a-fussin’ and a-feudin’. Continue reading “E3 2016 conference breakdown podcast”

The week in games – cancelled titles, starter Pokemon

‘The week in games’ is my new weekly series covering the week’s gaming news in a (hopefully) humorous way. If it seems familiar it’s because I tested it out with a couple of articles last year, but now it’s here to stay in a weekly form.

Losing its Spark

project sparkMicrosoft has finally properly cancelled Project Spark. The free-to-play game is no longer available for download, and if you already have it online services will be cancelled from August.

Anyone who bought the retail version of the game will be getting the price refunded into their Microsoft account. The company will be holding emergency talks to discuss how to recoup the £79.98 they’ll lose as a result of this. Continue reading “The week in games – cancelled titles, starter Pokemon”