After revealing the full scripts for Sony and Microsoft’s E3 2017 press conference, yer man Scullion is also finally ready to shed light on Nintendo’s offering.
Content is subject to change, but it really won’t. This is cast-iron, mate.
E3 DIGITAL EVENT – VIDEO EDITOR RUNNING ORDER
CONFIDENTIAL – EACH COPY IS DIGITALLY WATERMARKED TO YOUR NAME AND NOT TO BE SHARED
[VIDEO TO OPEN WITH REGGIE FILS-AIME, SHIGERU MIYAMOTO, EIJI AONUMA, PRESIDENT TATSUMI KIMISHIMA AND GENERAL PRODUCER YOSHIAKI KOIZUMI RUNNING THROUGH LOS ANGELES. THEY ARE KICKING HOMELESS PEOPLE, STEALING CANDY FROM CHILDREN, GENERALLY BEING TEARAWAYS]
Oh hello there! You’ve just caught us enjoying the sights and sounds of LA ahead of our massive showroom floor exhibition at E3.
This year marks the beginning of a new attitude for Nintendo. You may have noticed that the Switch has been obscenely successful for us since it launched back in March, continually selling out worldwide to the extent that we’ve had to increase our order supply.
You may also remember that this time last year people were saying we were doomed. Just like they were saying it the last time our sales went down a bit. Well, look where we are now, fuckos.
You may not have realised it yet, but this was the final straw. In July 2015, shortly after our former president Satoru Iwata passed away, his estate gave us a letter in an envelope marked “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL A WEEK OR SO BEFORE E3 2017”.
When we opened it, it read:
Well, we heard the man. And so today you’re going to see a new Nintendo, a Nintendo that’s bored of virgin trolls saying we deliberately undercut stock and don’t have any third-party relationships. Your shitepipe is about to have a third-party relationship with our Nintendo VANS shoes.
First up, here’s a trailer for a game you’ve all wanted for fucking years. If we were doomed, we wouldn’t have been able to pull this out of our holes, would we?
[TRAILER FOR METROID: DELIVERANCE TO PLAY]
Metroid: Deliverance is a 2D Metroid game. That’s right. And I’ve already played through it and beaten it and I can promise you it’s the best 2D Metroid game ever made, even better than Super Metroid.
In it, Samus just goes around every planet she can find, scanning and blasting seven shades of shite out of everything. There’s more action here than in yer da’s drawers when yer maw’s out with her pals. You WANT this game.
By now you’re probably thinking: “This new arrogant Nintendo seems alright, actually. They’re finally giving us what we want.”
Well, that isn’t the full story. You know how you’ve all been moaning for years for purchases to be tied to your online account and not your device? Well, consider it done. But here’s the twist.
Remember Metroid Prime: Federation Force on the 3DS? Yes, I’m sure you do, because there’s a good chance you were one of the pricks moaning about it and signing petitions to boycott it because it wasn’t exactly the Metroid you wanted.
Believe it or not, Federation Force was actually a half-decent game developed by Next Level Games, who’d previously made Luigi’s Mansion 2. Not our best game, but certainly not a bad one. But the thing barely hit 100,000 sales worldwide because of all the shit it got online before anyone even got a chance to play it.
So here’s the deal. Metroid: Deliverance, the 2D Metroid you’ve all wanted, will be out on Switch next month. Yup, as early as that. BUT. PLOT TWIST.
It’s a digital-only release. And you can’t buy it unless you’ve also bought Metroid Prime: Federation Force on the same account. Bet you suddenly don’t want purchases tied to your account now?
Moving on, in other news, the price of Metroid Prime: Federation Force on the eShop has now been permanently increased to $199.99. For no reason, of course.
For our next announcement, let’s… SWITCH over to Mr Miyamoto.
[CAMERA PANS OVER TO SHIGERU MIYAMOTO WALKING DOWN A LOS ANGELES STREET, WEARING SUNGLASSES. A HOMELESS MAN OFFERS OUT HIS CAP, ASKING FOR CHANGE. MIYAMOTO PUNTS THE CAP OUT OF HIS HAND AND IT FLIES INTO SPACE, THEN A LITTLE STAR APPEARS LIKE IN SMASH BROS]
Sup. You know who I am, so let’s spare each other the dick-measuring contest.
You’re probably looking forward to the Super Mario Odyssey trailer, but we’ve decided we aren’t going to show you it. Let’s not fuck around, we both know you’re going to buy it anyway.
Instead, we’re going to show a super-long, double-length trailer for Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle. You know, the game you weren’t supposed to know about yet but was ‘leaked’ by some eager beaver keen for internet cred.
Well, that beaver’s about to get the DAM shit kicked out of him, because if you want to play the leak game with us the only thing you’ll be leaking is stomach acid.
Here’s the trailer.
[TWELVE-MINUTE TRAILER FOR MARIO + RABBIDS KINGDOM BATTLE TO PLAY, SHOWING THE ENTIRE TUTORIAL SECTION OF THE GAME WITH THE PLAYER STOPPING FOR AGES TO SLOWLY READ OUT EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE]
As you all already know because of Mr Smartarse, Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle is a tactical RPG featuring characters from the Mario series and Ubisoft’s Rabbids.
Despite the inevitable backlash this will get, I’m confident it’s going to be a funny and entertaining adventure, with plenty of hidden depth.
It’s going to be out in August 2017… and if I see so much as a sniff of an online petition we’ll be tying the fucker Metroid-style to Mario Odyssey.
Now, let’s… SWITCH to Kimishima-san.
[CAMERA PANS OVER TO NINTENDO PRESIDENT TATSUMI KIMISHIMA, WHO IS SPRAYPAINTING A BIG ‘D.U.P.’ LOGO ON THE SIDE OF A WALL]
We aren’t all a bad bunch, you know. We do like to give you the stuff you actually want. We’ve had a bit of fun with you so far but just to show we’re good guys, have some of this.
[VIDEO MONTAGE TO PLAY, SHOWING THE FOLLOWING:
• BAYONETTA 1 & 2 ON SWITCH
• SUPER MARIO 3D WORLD ON SWITCH
• KID ICARUS UPRISING: SWITCH EDITION
• HEY YOU PIKACHU 2
• ‘SUPER MARIO MAKER: UNPLAYABLE ON YOUR TV WITHOUT A GAMEPAD’ SWITCH EDITION
• ‘RARE REPLAY: JUST THE GOOD NINTENDO GAMES AND NONE OF THAT XBOX SHITE EDITION’ ON SWITCH
• STAR FOX ZERO: NORMAL ON-RAILS EDITION ON SWITCH]
You see? We’re a nice bunch really. And we know you’ve all been begging for a Switch version of Super Smash Bros, so we’re going to do that too. Here, watch:
[TRAILER FOR SUPER SMASH BROS FOR NINTENDO SWITCH TO PLAY]
Super Smash Bros For Nintendo Switch will include every stage from both the Wii U and 3DS versions of the game, as well as all the DLC characters and stages, and even all those DLC Mii costumes nobody gave a fuck about.
Even better, we’ll be adding some new and exclusive characters just for the Switch version.
But who could they be? The Inklings from Splatoon? Maybe some of the new characters from ARMS? The return of the Ice Climbers? Even Goku from Dragon Ball Z?
Nah, fuck that.
To continue to try to convince people to buy Ultra Street Fighter II on Switch, we’re adding Chun-Li, to accompany Ryu who’s already in the game.
To push it even further, to an unnecessary level, we’re also adding Guile. Not normal Guile, but the version played by Jean Claude Van Damme in the shit Street Fighter: The Movie game.
Finally, as fan service to the 0.01% of our audience old and nerdy enough to remember, we’re adding Bubbles from NES game Clu Clu Land and the guy from Mach Rider (also on the NES), minus his bike.
Finally from me, we’ve noticed the huge success of the NES Classic, the tiny NES replica that plays 30 classic games. And we’ve also seen the huge demand for the inevitable follow-up. Well, you asked for it, so you’re going to get it.
The NES 2 Classic is based on the weird NES 2 budget model we released in America after the SNES had come out. It was basically just an NES only it looked different.
And yes, it’ll play the same 30 games as the last NES Classic. This is why we ceased production of the NES Classic, you see, because we knew avid collectors would buy this one too even though it’s exactly the same thing.
Now, let’s SWITCH to Zelda producer Eiji Aonuma.
[CAMERA PANS TO EIJI AONUMA. HE IS AGGRAVATING A PAIR OF PITBULLS IN PREPARATION FOR AN ILLEGAL DOGFIGHT HE HAS ARRANGED. HE IS ALSO STUFFING SOME OF THE PROFITS FROM SWITCH SALES INTO AN ENVELOPE MARKED ‘BRIBE FOR LOS ANGELES POLICE SO THEY’LL IGNORE MY SUPER AWESOME AND VIOLENT DOGFIGHT’]
Well, well, well. You all fucking love Zelda: Breath Of The Wild, eh? Even though NONE OF YOU WANKS were up for it before. And now…
[AONUMA’S PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Oh, hi. It… oh. So they were actually all up for it? There actually wasn’t much negativity before it came out?
Right. I see. No, no, thank you. No, it’s fine, I appreciate you letting me know.
Yes, I’ll pick up some from duty free on the way back. You know they’ve changed them so the triangles are further apart now? Swiss bastards. No, the chocolate’s the same, it’s fine. Look, I need to go, I’m doing the E3 thing. Right, bye.
[AONUMA HANGS UP]
Sorry about that. So, yes, I’ve been informed you were all actually excited for Breath Of The Wild before it came out, so I’m sorry for my outburst.
It seems quite a few of you have already blindly bought the DLC Season Pass too, despite knowing next to fuck-all about what’s in it.
Well, so far you already know that the first part, coming in just a month or two, will include a new Trial Of The Sword challenge, in which you face 45 rooms of trials and, when you beat them all, get the ability to use the Master Sword forever without it powering down.
It’ll also include the likes of Majora’s Mask, Midna’s Helmet, Phantom Armor and – for all the perverts out there – Tingle’s Outfit.
But what about the second DLC pack, and its planned story content? Well, I’m here to finally confirm the first details.
The new campaign will be called Breath Of The Wild: A King’s Journey and will tell the game’s story from the point of view of the King of Hyrule.
Playing as the King, you will approach Link at the start of the game disguised as an old man, and tell him to visit the first four shrines.
You will then make your way to Mount Hylia and wait for Link to turn up so you can give him the Warm Doublet.
Finally, you will appear at the Temple Of Time, give Link the Paraglider, reveal yourself as the King Of Hyrule then sit on your arse and do fuck all for 200 hours while you wait for him to save the day.
A King’s Journey offers literally minutes of new gameplay, and you’ve all already paid for it in advance with no refunds, so if you don’t like it you can go and have a wee nibble on my knob.
Now, it wouldn’t be a Nintendo presentation without one little surprise at the end, so for that let’s SWITCH over to Switch General Producer Yoshiaki Koizumi.
[CAMERA TO PAN TO YOSHIAKI KOIZUMI, WHO IS KICKING OVER BINS AND SETTING FIRE TO NEWSPAPERS. HE’S JUST GENERALLY BEING A BIT OF A TWAT]
What is the haps. We hope you like this new, bad-attitude Nintendo, and we hope it will finally shut up the numpties who can’t see past the fact we tend to make games that players of all ages can enjoy.
For our customary final surprise, we’ve decided to continue our new ‘fuck you’ theme. Is it a new game? No. Is it a special new deal with a third-party company? No.
It’s more Joy-Con colours. Really obscure ones like mauve and maroon.
Even better, we’re announcing a limited edition ‘Opaque Couché Joy-Con’ set. For those who don’t know, opaque couché was recently voted the worst colour in the world. And we’re going to use it, as proof that at this point we’re doing so well you will literally buy anything.
Goodbye, and get fucked.
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Fils-Aime briefly returns to the stage:
“Oh, and here’s a FUCKING tv that looks like a FUCKING apple.” He then spits in an audience members face before aggressively returning backstage.
Like the article, but have a small issue; the person responsible for the original Rabbids leak is a woman, not a man.
Laura started the rumour but the actual teaser image confirming it was leaked on social media by someone else (a male), causing another site to show the full image (via another male). Until the image was shown it was a rumour, not necessarily a leak. In my opinion, mind!