There are some gaming releases that are considered monumental moments in the history of this relatively young medium.
The Magnavox Odyssey: the first ever home video game console, released in 1972.
The NES, which shook the industry to its core and revitalised a flatlining North American gaming scene.
The Sony PlayStation, which disrupted the normal Nintendo vs Sega war and showed that a new challenger could not only be successful, but dominate.
The Nintendo Wii, which opened up gaming to a whole new audience.
And now the Sonic the Hedgehog Pizza Cutter, which cuts pizza, but with Sonic and that.
As soon as I saw Sega announce this groundbreaking product I decided I needed one in my life, so naturally one now graces Tired Old Hack Towers™ with all the attitude and sass one would expect from a Sonic-themed kitchen utensil.
The blade on the Sonic Pizza Cutter is made of stainless steel, which means any tomato sauce, barbecue sauce, human blood or mayonnaise you get on it can be easily forgotten and washed away via the combination of hot water and vigorous rubbing: the ideal recipe for a general night in regardless.
Accidentally murdered your landlord because he came to your house to tell you he was increasing your rent even though it’s still the same bloody flat and Brexit means times are getting tighter and it’s not like his washing machine works that well anyway?
You’ll be glad you used the Sonic Pizza Cutter as your weapon, since all that evidence will wash away* lickety-split!
“We’ve established that the blade is a ruthless killing machine, Chris”, I hear you definitely say, “but how in sweet misery am I supposed to hold such devastation? Surely that would cut my dainty mitts into tagliatelle at the merest touch.”
You’d be right, child. Your fingers would indeed become fleshy maypole ribbons were it not for the fact that the Sonic Pizza Cutter comes with a handle too.
Made of a high-quality molded plastic, the handle is also emblazoned with the Sonic the Hedgehog logo, helping you avoid messy incidents when your ignorant pal comes over and tries to convince you it’s actually Bubsy the Bobcat on your pizza cutter. You’ve already killed once* this week, you don’t need more pressure on your already heavy shoulders.
“I’m starting to get the feeling this was designed mainly to cut flesh,” you state, concerned but nevertheless with an air of conviction. “I was under the impression I was reading the review of a pizza cutter. I’ve got a Hawaiian here I need to slice into eight equal pieces.”
Well, you’re in luck! It just so… wait, what type of Hawaiian? A person, or…
Well, I suppose it would work with that too.
Just to check, I decided to try it out with an oven pizza. The dish of choice was the Asda Deep Pan Meat Feast Pizza: for my money, of all the pizzas available to buy, this was available at the closest supermarket to my house.
It’s allegedly “topped with nice ‘n’ spicy beef, succulent ham and pepperoni” and is “truly, madly, deeply delicious”. Sounds like the perfect candidate to taste this erinaceidaen blade. That means ‘hedgehoggy’, Latin fans.
My oven usually makes deep pan pizza crust really crispy, which I don’t really like but since I’m not Gordon Ramsey I don’t know how to stop it from happening.
Regardless, it causes issues for my existing pizza cutter, which is from Marks & Spencer and therefore should be really fancy, but bear in mind it doesn’t have a picture of Sonic on it so I may as well have wrestled it from a dead fox’s mouth in a skip.
Such a crunchy crust could potentially play havoc with a lesser pizza cutter, but I’m happy to report that the Sonic Pizza Cutter merrily scythed through it with all the ease of a red-hot poker jammed up a snowman’s bum.
It even laughed its way through a rogue pepperoni slice that had found itself straddled betwixt two provisional sides, setting itself up for a ruddy good cutting.
In all, I’m happy with the Sonic Pizza Cutter. Not only is it a wholly acceptable option as a lethal weapon* and not only does its stainless steel finish make it easy to clean off any evidence, it’s also actually fairly good at its secondary task of cutting through pizza.
Look, it’s a pizza cutter mate, I don’t know what else you expect me to say.
*Do not kill people
The Sonic the Hedgehog Pizza Cutter is technically available at the UK Sega Shop website, but it currently isn’t on there because they’re out of stock. This is in no way related to the fact that the homicide rate in the UK is currently at its highest level in a decade.
When it’s back in stock I’ll update this article with a link. Meanwhile, if you live in North America, it’s currently in stock on the Sega Shop there.
In order that I could write this review, I received a pizza cutter from a PR. The content of my review was in no way influenced by this.
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