Kartography is my regular series in which I look at licensed kart racers throughout gaming history, and figure out where they fit on my all-time karting game leaderboard.
Sega / Traveller’s Tales Sega Saturn, PC (Saturn version reviewed)
Not all karting games feature karts, you know.
While it’s clear that the majority do, it’s perfectly acceptable for a developer to ditch them in favour of something else.
What makes a game part of the karting genre isn’t the fact you’re using karts: it’s the idea of multiple characters – each with distinct personalities – racing against each other, often with items to collect.
After all, when you choose a bikes-only race in Mario Kart Wii, does it suddenly stop being a karting game? Does it balls.
Sonic R on the Sega Saturn was an early advocate of this idea: not only did it ditch the idea of using karts, many of its characters don’t even have vehicles at all, instead choosing to run across the course.
It’s time for another helping of wee-views! These are ‘wee reviews’ of games that I haven’t gotten round to completing, but have played enough of to at least form a fairly solid opinion.
I joined the Official Nintendo Magazine as staff writer (and started my career in games journalism) on 2 May 2006, the week before E3.
Five days before that, on 27 April, Nintendo had announced that its new console, the Revolution, was actually going to be called the Wii. And then, on 10 April, Nintendo held its conference where it showed off the final console and its games for the first time.
Now, given that I was only a week in the game, I obviously wasn’t sent to Los Angeles to cover the event: instead, I stayed at ONM Towers in London, writing all the previews for the special E3 issue of the mag: issue 5, my first full one as a staff writer.
Meanwhile, editor Lee Nutter and deputy editor Chandra Nair did indeed travel to LA to cover the event, and Chandra – as he always did when he was editor of Cube magazine – brought his ruddy big video camera with him.
He used that camera to film as much stuff as he could on the E3 show floor, with the purpose of putting it all on a free DVD to be included alongside issue 5.
This turned out to be a genius move. It’s hard to believe now in this ear of 4K, 60fps streaming video, but bear in mind that in 2006 many of the online E3 videos being published on various big sites looked more like this:
Because of this, the fact we at ONM had actual DVD quality footage (albeit slightly compressed to fit onto a single-layer disc) meant our readers had probably the best quality video from E3 2006.
This also means that, to the best of my knowledge, this is the best quality footage you’ll see of cancelled games like Project H.A.M.M.E.R., Wii Sports Airplane (which became part of Wii Sports Resort) and Rayman 4 (which became Rayman Raving Rabbids a mere five months later… which is suspicious).
Now, Future Publishing – who owns the copyright to everything ever created during the ONM days – is fairly strict when it comes to people republishing their content.
That’s why I’m extremely grateful to Future’s legal department for granting me a licence to re-publish this DVD in its entirety on this site.
We all know how the internet works, though, and it’s clear that if I’d just put up the entire DVD untouched someone would have it ripped and plonked on their own YouTube channel by the end of the afternoon.
To get round this, I’ve recorded a commentary for the DVD. I’m sorry this means you won’t be able to watch it without hearing my dulcet tones over it, but it should at least give you some context to the 13-year-old footage you’re watching, along with some anecdotes from the ONM days.
So, pour yourself an Irn Bru, get this loaded up on your TV’s YouTube app (it’s a long video, so you’ll need to get comfy: it’s easier to find it if you subscribe to my channel) and get stuck into the entire 97-minute E3 2006 DVD from Official Nintendo Magazine issue 5.
If you want to help me write more articles and publish more videos like this, please consider donating to my Patreon account.
Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like my work in general feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.
Alternatively, if you can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link or Amazon US shopping via this link. Tired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.
I’d be lying if I said being a games journalist was a miserable experience.
Yes, the money’s usually shit and it can be quite stressful at times (more on that in a bit), but there’s still no denying that being able to cover a hobby you love is a wonderful thing. It’s the reason I’m still doing it after nearly 13 years.
That said, there’s still one thing about the job that can be pretty frustrating: human interaction. Don’t get me wrong, it’s often great to engage with readers and discuss this wonderful medium with like-minded, enthusiastic folk.
But sometimes you end up talking to a wanker instead. Or rather, being ‘talked at’ by one.
The wonder of the internet is that some people fancy themselves as amateur Charlie Brookers, and like nothing more than traipsing around from site to site trying to puncture credibilities with sharp-witted remarks that let us all know that we may fool other people but not them: they’re onto us.
The difference, of course, is that Charlie Brooker is genuinely clever and funny, whereas these young chaps (and they usually are young chaps, let’s face it) are instead boring and unoriginal.
Us games journalists can be a dangerous bunch, as you can tell by my nifty ‘future of law enforcement’ uniform here
Inevitably, this lack of originality results in games journalists being fed the same boring lines on a regular basis by cocky pricks who think they’re bringing us down a peg or two but are, in reality, as edgy as a football.
How can you make sure you’re not one of these tragic scrotums? Well, yer man Scullion is here to help you out. Having endured my fair share of abuse over the past 13 years (after all, don’t forget Tired Old Hack was even named after a particularly insulting email I was once sent), I’ve decided to share some of the more common – and therefore boring and ineffective – shite that’s been slung my way over the years.
Healthy debate is all well and good, but if you want to make sure a games journalist pays the slightest bit of attention to the point you’re trying to make, take my advice: never use any of the below lines or you’ll be shunned pronto. Continue reading “14 things you should never say to a games journalist”→
I’ve been writing about video games professionally for nearly 13 years now.
In that time I’ve reviewed thousands of games, written hundreds of features and covered thousands of news stories.
I take pride in all the work I do, but the NES Encyclopedia is by far my proudest accomplishment.
If you’ve been following my work for a while you’ll already be familiar with the NES Encyclopedia and everything it entails, but if you’ve just stumbled upon it for the first time, allow me to explain all via the not-at-all-overused method of the fake conversation.
Hello there, Chris.
Hello there, completely fictional person I always conjure up for articles like this. How have you been?
Oh, you know, I haven’t been up to much. Literally, I mean. Any time you aren’t making use of me in an article I don’t actually exist.
Right, right. So what’s the topic today?
Well, it’s your shiny new NES Encyclopedia. I shall be fulfilling the role of ‘person who’s never heard of it and wants to know more’.
It’s the role you were born to play! Well, created by me to play.
Quite. So, what’s this book all about then?
Glad you asked. The NES Encyclopedia is the definitive guide to the Nintendo Entertainment System’s software library. Every single game released for the NES during its lifetime is listed in this very book.
Every single one? What, so is Low G Man in it?
Yes.
How about Dusty Diamond’s All-Star Softball?
Yup.
And Super Mario Bros 3?
Of cour… why would you start with obscure ones and end with an obvious one?
You tell me, you’re the one writing the questions.
Regardless, the point is when I say every game, I mean every game: a grand total of 714 officially licensed NES titles, all present and accounted for.
Ah, but not every NES game was officially licensed. What about stuff like Cheetahmen II, or the Tengen games? They didn’t get a Nintendo Seal of Approval, so they don’t count in the list of 714.
That’s right, they don’t. That’s why there’s a second section at the back of the book dedicated to unlicensed games: the ones released on dodgy bespoke cartridges to bypass Nintendo’s copy protection.
There are another 162 games in this section, all given the same level of attention the licensed games get, making for a grand total of 876 games.
That’s a lot of games. Presumably most of the crap ones get a single-sentence acknowledgement just to make up the numbers.
Nope. The book is an A4 hardback, and every single game gets a quarter page at the very least, including a screenshot and a piece of trivia.
Trivia?
Yup, as in a fun fact or something related to the subject matter.
An example, damn you.
Well, take a look at the Donkey Kong spread. That shows the three ‘tiers’ of games in the book. The iconic games get a full page, other big titles get a half page and everything else – no matter how obscure or terrible – still gets a quarter page to itself.
I see. And those ‘fact’ bits are there for every game in the book?
Yup, all 876 of them. Even the unlicensed ones.
So this is a big book, then?
It is indeed. Like I say, it’s an A4 hardback. It’s full colour, consisting of around 270 pages, and around 180,000 words in total.
That’s 20,000 words longer than the first two Harry Potter books combined, and you also have my promise that I won’t half-heartedly add retrospective information about the characters’ sexual orientations years after it’s been published, like Rowling does.
That’s a shame. I always wished the Battletoads were gay.
Well, you do you, and I’ll support any fanfiction you choose to write.
Anyway, the book sounds good. How do I buy it? There’s usually a Kickstarter for these things, isn’t there?
Not this time. It’s done. It’s out in less than a week (30 March).
It’s done? No crowdfunding?
Nope. It was commissioned by a proper publisher, and everything. The lovely folks at White Owl Books (an imprint of the successful military publisher Pen & Sword) are handling publishing and distribution: this isn’t a crowdfunded, self-published thingy, it’s a legit, proper publication that you’ll find in book shops and the like.
So which book shops are we talking about?
Any shop that sells books, just like any other book. So you should be able to buy it in Waterstones and the like and if they don’t have it on the shelves you should be able to get them to order it in through their usual channels. If you need it, the ISBN number is 9781526737793.
A look at the ‘Unlicensed Games’ section. The 162 games here get the same treatment as the 714 licensed games.
And online…?
Yup, of course. The retail price in the UK is £30, but there are plenty of online stores selling it at a discount. Here are some links (all prices correct at the time of posting this):
Note: These are all reputable book sites but I can’t speak for which ones will get stock in first, and which ones will result in you getting the book earliest. If I’ve learned one thing through this, it’s that the world of book releases is less reliable than the world of video game releases!
That’s all well and good, but I don’t live in the UK. I live in the United States of America.
Are you sure?
Yee haw.
Ah, I see it now. Well, you’re in luck: much like Eddie Murphy, the book is Coming to America™ – it’s due for release in July, with a retail price of $39.95. Here are some pre-order links.
Since the book isn’t due out in the US until July, my guess is that if you buy from the UK-based sites, you’ll get the book a bit earlier. That said, I can’t guarantee you won’t have import fees to pay or what have you, so it may be best to play it safe and go with Amazon, B&N etc. – you’ll save money if you don’t mind waiting a little longer.
Actually, I lied. I’m actually living in Canada just now. Can you tell me whereaboots I can order it from?
Are you allowed to say “whereaboots”? Isn’t that a bit… you know.
It’s okay, your wife is Canadian.
That’s right. Well, naturally, it’s going to be released in Canada too, where it appears the retail price is $55.50. Here are some links.
I lied again, sorry. I actually live in a different, undisclosed country that doesn’t fall into either the UK, USA or Canada.
Well that’s… okay, no worries. Amazon is really good these days at handling its own imports, so if your country has its own Amazon store the book should hopefully already be available to pre-order there.
Nothing yet in Amazon China, India, Netherlands, Spain or Turkey, I’m afraid.
If you live in a different country or don’t want to use Amazon, just search for ‘Chris Scullion’ in any other online bookstore located in your country. Alternatively, your other best option is to import from the UK, so I recommend either Wordery or The Book Depository.
Both sites are based in the UK, so should be getting in stock from 30 March, and both promise free worldwide shipping. I’ve never bought anything from them from abroad so can’t vouch for them personally and have no idea how long it would take your book to arrive, but both sites have been well-established for a long time so I have no doubt they’re above board.
Lovely. Just one thing… the NES isn’t my favourite console. Why have you gone with that?
That’s fine! I chose the NES because it’s the console that means the most to me personally. It was the first time I fell in love with video games, it was the reason I continued playing games my entire life, it’s the reason I studied journalism at university, it’s the reason I moved to London to become a games journalist at Official Nintendo Magazine, and it’s the reasons I subsequently met the woman who would become my wife and have our beautiful baby daughter.
Long story short, the NES shaped my life, and for a large part of my life I’ve always wanted to write a book that celebrated its entire library. I could have chosen any other system, really, but in my heart there was only one option.
Ultimately, getting it published is my dream being fulfilled. If it doesn’t sell a single copy, I’ll still be happy it exists. But please do buy it anyway, because it’s good.
That’s lovely. Would you do a SNES one though? I was more of a SNES person.
Here’s the thing. If it’s possible then yes, I would love to do a SNES one. In fact, my main dream now is to become the ‘encyclopedia guy’ and keep writing loads of these books, one for every system.
Then do it!
Hold your horses: remember I’m dealing with a publisher here. They (and I) want to make sure the NES book does well before we consider doing more.
I can’t justify once again spending hundreds of hours of research again and writing another 180,000 words, if only 20 people are going to buy the book (especially now I have a baby and free time is at a premium as it is). And, more importantly, the publisher can’t justify printing another book if it won’t sell enough copies.
So, no SNES book then? You SCUM.
I didn’t say that! Wow, you flew off the handle a bit quickly there. No, the reality is actually the opposite.
The publisher and I are both delighted with how the book looks, so we already have an agreement that if The NES Encyclopedia hits a certain sales target – and we’ll be able to tell fairly quickly based on pre-orders and the like whether it’s going to manage that – then I’ll be contracted to write The SNES Encyclopedia.
If that sells well, I’ll be contracted to write The Mega Drive / Genesis Encyclopedia. If that sells well… you get the idea.
I would love a situation where, 10-15 years from now, my shelves (and yours) have a load of my books side-by-side: the NES Encyclopedia, SNES Encyclopedia, Mega Drive Encyclopedia, N64 Encyclopedia, Dreamcast Encyclopedia, Game Boy Encyclopedia, PlayStation Encyclopedia and so on. But we need to get over this first hurdle.
Long story short, if you keep buying them, I’ll keep writing them.
Okay, I’ve pre-ordered. Anything else I can do to help?
Bless you. Spread the word: tweet about it, post about it on Reddit, talk about it on any forums or Discord servers you frequent. Essentially, do your best to make sure as many people as possible know this book exists. Link them to this page if you want: it isn’t going anywhere!
Also, when you get the book, please tweet about it (I’ll RT you) and please, please, please review it, especially if you bought it online. Customer reviews on sites like Amazon are an amazing help when it comes to convincing others to buy products, and if your reviews are positive (which I really hope they will be!) that’s only going to build more momentum.
That’s about it, really. If you have any more questions about the book at all, please do ask them in the comments and I’ll answer as best I can.
This is a massively exciting time for me, but it’s also a hugely nerve-wracking one. I’ve put so much into this book and while I’m so happy with the results, I really hope other people like it too. I wrote it for me, but more than that I wrote it for you, and I can’t wait to hear what you all think about it.
Thanks guys.
Chris x
If you want to help me write more, please consider donating to my Patreon account.
Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like my work in general feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.
Alternatively, if you can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link or Amazon US shopping via this link. Tired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.
In the last episode of Gemhunter, the Philips CD-I made its debut and shocked the world (well, a couple of people) by turning up a gem in the form of International Tennis Open.
Could lightning possibly strike twice? Let’s find out as yer man Scullion takes on another CD-I game, the dark funfair shooting gallery that is Mystic Midway: Rest In Pieces.
Gemhunter is my video series in which I try out forgotten, ignored, licensed or shovelware games I’ve never played in the hope of finding a hidden gem. The video is presented unedited so you can experience the game for the first time as I do. Enjoyed this video and want to see more? You can find past Gemhunter episodes here.
Tired Old Hack is an ad-free site for your browsing convenience. If you enjoyed this article please consider donating to my Patreon account.
Alternatively, if you’re a UK reader and can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link. Tired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.
Well, I think it’s fair to say the first Tired Old Hack Game Club was a success. Well over a hundred people joined throughout the course of the month to take part in a Zelda II playthrough, helping each other out along the way.
Many even finished the game for the first time, commenting that were it not for the Game Club they probably wouldn’t have managed it. Which is lovely to hear.
The much-mocked Philips CD-I makes its Gemhunter debut in this episode, with International Tennis Open going under the microscope.
Could a tennis game on a shite console possibly be a gem? You’ll have to watch to find out. And don’t worry about the sound being terrible at the start: it’s fixed by the time the game’s intro ends.
Gemhunter is my video series in which I try out forgotten, ignored, licensed or shovelware games I’ve never played in the hope of finding a hidden gem. The video is presented unedited so you can experience the game for the first time as I do. Enjoyed this video and want to see more? You can find past Gemhunter episodes here.
Tired Old Hack is an ad-free site for your browsing convenience. If you enjoyed this article please consider donating to my Patreon account.
Alternatively, if you’re a UK reader and can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link. Tired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.
HumaNature Studios Switch, Xbox One, PS4, Steam (Switch version reviewed)
I’m not exaggerating when I say the original ToeJam & Earl is one of my favourite games ever (check my Mega Drive Classics video for proof).
Its funky music is among the greatest ever contributed to the medium. Its bizarre sense of humour remains hilarious to this day. And any game that calls you a ‘poindexter’ for levelling up is a classic in my book.
Over the years, this ToeJam & Earl fan has seen his beloved series go through an altogether different kind of funk. The sequel, Panic on Funkotron, was a strange 2D platformer that had an eccentric art style but came nowhere close to the original’s brilliant top-down free-roaming exploration.
A decade later, the third game – ToeJam & Earl III: Mission to Earth – launched as an Xbox exclusive, and I actually blew my entire student loan on an Xbox and a copy of the game, living like a pauper for months so I could play what was an admittedly average threequel.
That Xbox game launched in 2002, but since then… nothing. In the nearly two decades since, I’ve played the original countless times – constantly reliving the days an 8-year-old me first discovered and fell in love with it – while endlessly praying for a comeback.
Retro gaming is bloody lovely, but trying to get your old games looking nice on a modern TV is a far less pleasurable experience.
Thankfully, there are a bunch of companies making all sorts of gadgets, gizmos and doohickeys designed to take the hassle out of this and make retro games look as impressive as possible on today’s HD and 4K televisions.
The GCHD MK-II, the latest offering from tech company EON, attempts to do this with the trusty Nintendo GameCube, and the results may impress you: as long as your expectations are realistic. Continue reading “GCHD Mk-II (GameCube) review”→
Not all karting games feature karts, you know.
Tired Old Hack 