My 100 best (and worst) ONM headline jokes

ONM issue 5, the first I appeared in
ONM issue 5, the first I appeared in

My six years at the Official Nintendo Magazine were (at the time of writing at least) the best six years of my career.

There were plenty of reasons for this: it was my first major job, it was the job I’d always wanted to do, and there was a massive reader base who regularly communicated with me (many of them still do to this day).

One of the main reasons, though, was that I always had the freedom to tell bad jokes.

I’ve told bad jokes all my life, but usually people at school and uni would groan and walk away. ONM was my chance to tell bad jokes to tens of thousands of people who were less tempted to bail because they’d already paid £3.99 for the privilege. Mwa haaaa.

Recently I was going through my ONM archives and I started chuckling at some of my worst jokes, many of which I’d forgotten over the years. It got me in a nostalgic mood, so I’ve decided to share said nostalgia with you.

I’m going to run a series of articles based on my time at ONM, sharing my favourite ‘funny’ moments. In the future these will include my best screenshot captions and my best review quotes.

Today though, I’m sharing 100 of my headline jokes – be it the headlines themselves or (most often) the snarky one-liners under the game name in previews and reviews.

Most of these are ones I’m proud of. But, just so you don’t think this is one big massive ego trip, I’ve decided to end with some of my worst ones.

That said, I would understand if some of you still think this is me blowing my own trumpet. But here’s the deal: I’m massively proud of the thousands of articles I wrote for ONM, and there’s currently no archive of them online.

I share these bad jokes with you now, in order of publication, so that they may be preserved for future generations to look at and say “these are shite”.

‘Enjoy’.

Issue 6 - The kids love an obscure Devo reference
Issue 6 – The kids love an obscure Devo reference
06-a
Issue 6
Issue 8
Issue 8
Issue 9 - Can't beat a joke about angels on fire
Issue 9 – Can’t beat a joke about angels on fire
Issue 10 - Of course, Ronaldinho is nearly retired now and Ronnie Corbett is dead so this one's a bit lacking in impact these days
Issue 10 – Of course, Ronaldinho is nearly retired now and Ronnie Corbett is dead so this one’s a bit lacking in impact these days
Issue 10
Issue 10
Issue 10
Issue 10
Issue 11 - This ended up being renamed Yoshi's Island DS
Issue 11 – This ended up being renamed Yoshi’s Island DS
Issue 11 - For the record, I love American football games
Issue 11 – For the record, I love American football games
Issue 12 - Sometimes you can't beat the classics
Issue 12 – Sometimes you can’t beat the classics
Issue 13
Issue 13
Issue 13 - Not sure I could get away with this one nowadays
Issue 13 – Not sure I could get away with this one nowadays
Issue 14
Issue 14
Issue 14 - Because it guards your van, get it? Sigh
Issue 14 – Because it guards your van, get it? Sigh
Issue 15 - Surprisingly, the only bra size joke I ever told in six years
Issue 15 – Surprisingly, the only bra size joke I ever told in six years
Issue 15 - For legal purposes I should stress that nobody in Blazin' Squad ever committed murder
Issue 15 – For legal purposes I should stress that nobody in Blazin’ Squad ever committed murder
Issue 15
Issue 15
Issue 16
Issue 16
Issue 16
Issue 16
Issue 17 - A lovely out-of-date reference now
Issue 17 – A lovely out-of-date reference now
Issue 17 - Obviously I didn't get all the 'square' jokes out of my system before
Issue 17 – Obviously I didn’t get all the ‘square’ jokes out of my system before
Issue 18 - That month's free gift was magnets. This is a reference to The Chemical Brothers' 'Galvanize'
Issue 18 – That month’s free gift was magnets. This is a reference to The Chemical Brothers’ ‘Galvanize’
Issue 19 - I used the classic 'is it x or y' formula quite a lot over the years
Issue 19 – I used the classic ‘is it x or y’ formula quite a lot over the years
Issue 19
Issue 19
Issue 20
Issue 20
Issue 20 - As you canprobably tell, I was also a fan of the 'no, it's not about x' formula
Issue 20 – As you can probably tell, I was also a fan of the ‘no, it’s not about x’ formula
Issue 20 - Amazingly, Nintendo didn't complain about this one
Issue 20 – Amazingly, Nintendo didn’t complain about this one
Issue 21
Issue 21
Issue 22
Issue 22
Issue 22 - This one DEFINITELY wouldn't work nowadays
Issue 22 – This one DEFINITELY wouldn’t work nowadays
Issue 23 - The free gift that month was a metal Zelda Hylian crest pin badge, you see
Issue 23 – The free gift that month was a metal Zelda Hylian crest pin badge, you see
Issue 23
Issue 23
Issue 23
Issue 23
Issue 26
Issue 26
Issue 27
Issue 27
Issue 27
Issue 27
Issue 28 - There was no online multiplayer in the Wii version of this game, hence 'net fault'
Issue 28 – There was no online multiplayer in the Wii version of the game, hence ‘net fault’
Issue 29
Issue 29
Issue 29 - Years before Frozen nicked my idea, I should stress
Issue 29 – Years before Frozen nicked my idea, I should stress
Issue 30 - A sub-heading for a WiiWare article
Issue 30 – A sub-heading for a WiiWare article
Issue 30
Issue 30
Issue 30 - No complaints from The Pokemon Company here, either
Issue 30 – No complaints from The Pokemon Company here, either
Issue 30
Issue 30
Issue 32
Issue 32
Issue 33
Issue 33
Issue 36
Issue 36
Issue 37
Issue 37
Issue 39
Issue 39
Issue 45 - I've never seen a Harry Potter film in my life so I'm happy with this one
Issue 45 – I’ve never seen a Harry Potter film in my life so I’m happy with this one
Issue 46
Issue 46
Issue 50
Issue 50
Issue 50
Issue 50
Issue 51
Issue 51 – Another Chemical Brothers reference
Issue 51
Issue 51
Issue 55
Issue 55
Issue 56 - This was shortly after Tiger Woods crashed his car while being chased by his wife after cheating on her
Issue 56 – This was shortly after Tiger Woods crashed his car while being chased by his wife (brandishing a golf club) after she learned he’d cheated on her
Issue 57 - Another close-to-the-bone one
Issue 57 – Another close-to-the-bone one
Issue 57
Issue 57
Issue 58 - Every time we covered a Professor Layton game I wanted to use this and was rejected. This is the only time I managed to get away with it
Issue 58 – Every time we covered a Professor Layton game I wanted to use this and was rejected. This is the only time I managed to get away with it
Issue 58 - Two gems next to each other on the same page. Ooft.
Issue 58 – Two gems next to each other on the same page. Ooft.
Issue 59
Issue 59
Issue 60
Issue 60
Issue 61
Issue 61
Issue 61
Issue 61
Issue 63
Issue 63
Issue 63 - This might be my favourite one
Issue 63 – This might be my favourite one
Issue 63
Issue 63
Issue 63
Issue 63
Issue 64
Issue 64
Issue 65
Issue 65
Issue 66 - This was the 3DS launch issue so the whole '3D without glasses' thing was still a big talking point
Issue 66 – This was the 3DS launch issue so the whole ‘3D without glasses’ thing was still a big talking point, hence the ‘no specs’
Issue 71
Issue 71
Issue 72
Issue 72
Issue 73
Issue 73
Issue 74
Issue 74
Issue 76 - The 3D was the Dudley Boyz' finishing move, you see
Issue 76 – The 3D was the Dudley Boyz’ finishing move
Issue 77
Issue 77
Issue 77 - A heading in a Mario Kart 7 guide
Issue 77 – A heading in a Mario Kart 7 guide
Issue 78
Issue 78
Issue 79
Issue 79
Issue 79
Issue 79
Issue 79
Issue 79
Issue 80
Issue 80 – Wee quote from the film, there
Issue 81
Issue 81
82-a
Issue 82

 

Issue 83
Issue 83

The shit ones

Here’s the thing: not all my headline jokes were winners. Some were cliched, some were lazy and some just weren’t funny at all.

Just to leave things on an ‘I am definitely human’ note, here’s some of my shittiest efforts from over the years.

Issue 5
Issue 5
Issue 6
Issue 6 – ‘Monkey business’ is the laziest line you can use when covering Donkey Kong
Issue 8
Issue 8
Issue 9
Issue 9
Issue 14
Issue 14
Issue 17 - It used to be called TOCA Race Driver. Ah ha ha.
Issue 17 – It used to be called TOCA Race Driver. Ah ha ha.
Issue 23
Issue 23
Issue 27 - American readers; Clinton's is a greeting card shop. Still not funny even though you now know this
Issue 27 – American readers; Clinton’s is a greeting card shop. Still not funny even though you now know this
Issue 35
Issue 35
Issue 42
Issue 42
Issue 48
Issue 48 – I really hope I don’t lazily put ‘Wii’ into another song lyric like this again
Issue 57 - Ah, right
Issue 57 – Ah, right
Issue 66
Issue 66
Issue 67
Issue 67

Want to help ensure I get to write another 100 more ‘gems’ like this on Tired Old Hack? Why not fund me on Patreon? Because I don’t deserve it, THAT’S WHY.

Wait, hang on

5 thoughts on “My 100 best (and worst) ONM headline jokes

  1. I like how some of the bad ones even imply that they’re bad in the joke (‘obvious pun’, ‘we’ll say it before someone else does’, etc.).

    Great article, though. I look forward to the others you have planned.

    Like

  2. As a lover of lame jokes, I’d never have noticed the switch from the “good” ones to the “bad” ones if you hadn’t mentioned it.
    By the way, “milk a rock” is solid as a… nevermind

    Like

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