10 characters who should be in ARMS

Nintendo’s latest original game is ARMS, which is coming to the Switch on 16 June.

In case you don’t already know, it’s a fighting game in which all the characters have extendable arms, meaning they can attack from a distance. I played it way back in January: here were my obscenely early hands-on impressions.

Nintendo has promised that, as was the case with Splatoon, ARMS will be supported after launch with a bunch of free downloadable content updates.

This will include new stages, new types of arm and – most interestingly – new playable fighters.

Now, if you ask me, this opens the door to a bunch of new possibilities. Friends, I’m thinking crossovers.

There’s precedent for it, after all: Smash Bros on Wii U and 3DS got the likes of Mega Man, Sonic, Cloud and Bayonetta as DLC fighters, while Mario Kart 8 (and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe) ended up getting a bunch of non-Mario racers in the shape of Link, the Animal Crossing villagers and the Splatoon Inklings (not to mention the bloody Mercedes car DLC).

There’s every reason, then, for Nintendo to continue this trend and introduce some familiar faces as downloadable fighters if ARMS becomes popular further down the road.

“But Chris,” you inevitably ask, “who in the realm of fuck could possibly end up in that game? After all, there’s a pretty specific set of requirements, primarily in the limb area.”

Come on, you can trust me. Let’s do this.


Dhalsim

The most obvious candidate is Street Fighter’s Indian yoga master.

Dhalsim can not only stretch his arms to comically long proportions, he can do the same with his legs.

Even better, what does he do with said arms when they reach an opponent? He punches their bastard gums in.

What we have, then, is a man with stretchy arms (check), who uses them to punch people (check).

And, as the final cherry on top, he most recently starred in Ultra Street Fighter II, a Switch game published by (drum roll) Nintendo.


Super Joe

If Capcom’s on board with the Dhalsim idea, it might be up for expanding the deal and adding another of its stretchy characters to the mix.

Super Joe was the star of the original Bionic Commando game on the NES, in which he was ‘armed’ (HAHAHAHA OH CHRIST) with a mechanical appendage.

He could stretch his extendable arm out to grab distant ledges, then grip them and retract the arm to pull himself towards them.

There were other Bionic Commando games, including a dark and moody reboot in 2009 which starred some other dick called Nathan Spencer.

But I’m not interested in him. Not when there’s a guy called Super Joe.


Monkey D. Luffy

I’m reliably informed that the kids love their anime these days, so perhaps all the jokers who constantly want Goku in Smash Bros can change the record slightly and go down this route instead.

Luffy is the hero of One Piece, a manga and anime series about piracy. By which I mean he sails the seven seas, rather than sells bootleg DVDs of Wedding Crashers.

But why should we give a toss? Because the guy only has bloody stretchy arms, you know.

After he accidentally ate a Devil Fruit, Luffy’s body turned rubber. I’ve known for that to happen after a night out in Glasgow, but not after eating fruit.

Regardless, Luffy. In ARMS. Seems like a no-brainer.


Rayman

Nintendo and Ubisoft have been best pals for a while now, even though their relationship has been typically up-and-down.

The routine generally goes that Ubisoft pledges a commitment to a new Nintendo console, releases a bunch of games for it on day one (Red Steel and Rayman Raving Rabbids on Wii, ZombiU and Assassin’s Creed III on Wii U), then ditches that support later.

Since the Switch only got Just Dance at launch, and Ubisoft’s still currently putting the finishing touches to Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle, I reckon that means Ubi owes Nintendo another favour.

I suggest, then, that Rayman makes an appearance in ARMS, because I reckon he’d be an ideal character despite… well, you know, not actually having any.

After all, his ability to shoot his fists at enemies from a distance is pretty much what ARMS is all about, whether said fists are attached to anything or not.


Taffy

Hey! Remember ClayFighter? It was a Street Fighter parody game from back in the early 90s.

Of course you do: it was developed by Visual Concepts, who decades later ended up making the NBA 2K and WWE 2K games.

And it had a bunch of daft comedy characters in it, including one called Taffy who was basically an anthropomorphic stick of toffee.

His special ability was – you guessed it – the ability to stretch his body and perform attacks from across the screen.

What? I’m running out of ideas? Mate, come on, I’ve still got plenty.

Plenty.


Slender Man

See? Slender Man is still relevant! He’s a modern character and he’s got long arms.

Yup, Slender Man. He’s the antagonist in the Slender games, in which you have to run around creepy places while trying to avoid his gaze.

If you get near him he’ll… well, it’s not really clear what he does to you because the screen just goes all static.

But I bet whatever it is, it’ll be perfectly suited to the ARMS arena, eh?

Come on, admit it, you’d love to play as Slender Man. I’ve still got it, honest.


Ristar

THERE. You can’t argue with that. There’s a video game character who literally has stretchy arms. No daft gimmicks or anything.

Ristar was a 90s platforming hero created by the same chap who came up with the design for Sonic The Hedgehog. So he’s the real deal.

And he could use his stretchy arms to grab enemies, then fling himself towards them and deliver a killer headbutt.

See, you thought I was losing my touch, but secretly you’re a bit annoyed now because I’ve managed to come up with another good one.


Theresa May

Have you seen those pictures of Theresa May that look like she has long arms?

Bet she’s capable of laying out some “strong and stable” attacks, am I right guys?

I’d imagine she’s got a pretty CONSERVATIVE fighting style, eh? Eh?

I bet she… um, something to do with the dementia tax. Something about it driving her opponents out of house and home.

Argh, there’s probably a really good joke here about Article 50. Something about keeping Europe at ARMS’ length.

Look, it’s political satire. I’m sorry if it’s too intellectual for you. You wouldn’t understand.


Bravoman

Ha! A genuinely good one! Bravoman was in a 1988 arcade and TurboGrafx platformer published by Namco.

The game, also titled Bravoman, was a parody of other video games and had a typically weird Japanese sense of humour throughout.

He also… yes, you’ve got it. Telescopic arms. For punching people.

Hmm. I suppose when you think about it Bravoman wouldn’t be any better than anyone else already on this list.

I might be struggling a bit now.


Um…

Just hang on, let me think.

I’ll come up with another one.

I don’t want to Google it, that would be cheating.

Give me a sec.


Michael Jordan in that bit at the end of Space Jam

Remember that bit when…

Ah, fuck it.


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4 thoughts on “10 characters who should be in ARMS

  1. Here’s some more, just because :
    Lanky Kong
    Super Monkey Ball with the Monkey Fight boxing glove
    Popeye (strenuous Ninty link)
    Chris Redfield from Resident Evil 5
    Scott Steiner

    Like

  2. How about drawing from Marvel & DC’s considerable roster of stretchy dudes, including – BUT NOT LIMITED TO:
    – Mister Fantastic!
    – Machine Man!
    – The Super-Skrull!
    – Plastic Man!
    – Elongated Man!
    – The Metal Men!
    – Probably some other people I guess!!

    Like

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