Allow me to reintroduce myself: Tired Old Hack returns to full speed

Friends, it’s been a while.

Earlier this year I found myself spinning a hell of a lot of plates. Not only was I dealing with the usual juggling act of my 9-to-5 job, my freelance work and my Tired Old Hack work, I was also still getting used to the ‘new father’ role: my daughter only turned a year old this past June.

In the second half of this year another fairly large plate was added to the mix in the shape of the SNES Encyclopedia, another 180,000 word epic that soaked up all my free time.

IMG_20191118_164245
You can blame this one for the lack of regular content. The kid, not Shenmue III. I haven’t even had time to start that one yet

Eventually some of the plates had to stop spinning, for the sake of my own health. The first was my 9-to-5 job: I decided to take a financial hit and drop down to two days a week, so I could watch my daughter for the other three days.

Because the move to part-time meant freelance money was more important than ever, and because I was also contractually obliged to finish the SNES Encyclopedia in time, I had to temporarily stop another plate spinning: Tired Old Hack.

Since I started the SNES Encyclopedia in June, I’ve written just 14 articles on the site. They weren’t all full-fat articles, either: two of them were linking to YouTube videos I’d made, two were podcasts and two were Game Club articles, essentially inviting readers to play a game together.

That leaves eight ‘proper’ written articles in six months: this is nowhere near the level I wanted to hit, but there simply weren’t enough hours in the day, and the reality was that my paid commitments had to take priority.

Finally, however, my situation has changed: the SNES Encyclopedia has been written and sent off to the publisher, Serena’s a little older now and is a little easier to take care of, and I’ve set a routine in place that means when I start on my third book it’ll no longer take over my life like the SNES one did.

What this ultimately means is that I can finally do something I’ve been looking forward to doing for months: I’m picking up that plate, putting it back on the pole and spinning it again, with the aim of not stopping it this time.

Welcome to the return of Tired Old Hack. Continue reading “Allow me to reintroduce myself: Tired Old Hack returns to full speed”

TOH Game Club 5 – Breath of Fire I & II

We’ve had four Tired Old Hack Game Clubs now. The first two were a success, with oodles of players joining forces to play Zelda II and StarTropics together. Then we tried with Earthbound and Phantasy Star and the numbers dropped drastically.

The formula now seems clear: folk are happy to get involved if they don’t have to spend much money (which is understandable). So, with the Switch now in possession of a growing number of SNES games, let’s go with one of those. Or two of them, as it were. Continue reading “TOH Game Club 5 – Breath of Fire I & II”

20 Pokemon who can happily f*** off

WARNING: As if it wasn’t already clear by the title, this article is a little swearier than usual. If you have Pokémon-loving kids, please don’t let them read this. Send them to Serebii instead, which is the ultimate Pokémon site.

Pokémon Sword & Shield are now a little more than a month away, and fans are eagerly anticipating the arrival of the series’ eighth generation.

Well, that is, except for one little issue: it’s been known for some time now that not every Pokémon will be included in the game. Some of the older ones are going to be axed, with developer Game Freak citing development time as the main reason.

This begs the question, then: which Pokémon will be in, and which ones will be out?

Yer man Scullion’s stepped in to solve the problem. Here’s my list of 20 Pokémon we could all happily do without.

To the best of my knowledge – not counting the ridiculous 24-hour stream that’s currently running at the time of writing – none of the Pokémon listed below have already been confirmed for the game (with one exception).

This means almost all of them could still potentially be missing when the game releases on 15 November.

Note: if Vanillite hadn’t already been confirmed it definitely would have been in here too, because it’s just a fucking ice cream cone.

Feel free to share your own most hated Pokémon in the comments. Before that, though, let’s begin the cull. In National Dex order… Continue reading “20 Pokemon who can happily f*** off”

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Switch) review

Nintendo / Grezzo
Nintendo Switch

links-awakening-switch-boxWhen it comes to the Legend of Zelda series, one game stands out in particular as something of a black horse: a game that defies the normal conventions of the series and introduces a bunch of new ideas.

That game, of course, is Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.

What’s that? You were expecting it to be Link’s Awakening? Nah mate, Zelda II. It’s proper side-scrolling and everything. Give it a go, it’s good.

Anyway, I’m digressing. You’re here to read about the Switch version of Link’s Awakening, so let me cut to the chase: it’s bloody good. Not without its issues, but bloody good nonetheless. Continue reading “The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Switch) review”

Gemhunter #15 – Summer Heat Beach Volleyball

Gemhunter hits the 15-episode milestone with a return to the PS2, and this time we’re taking this shit to the beach.

I’m reliably informed that this one is actually called Summer Heat Beach Volleyball, even though the box clearly makes the title look like Beach Volleyball: Summer Heat.

Regardless, this is one of the last games published by Acclaim, which went bankrupt just a year later. Should it be blamed for it, or was it actually a good game? Let’s find out.

 

Gemhunter is my video series in which I try out forgotten, ignored, licensed or shovelware games I’ve never played in the hope of finding a hidden gem. The video is presented unedited so you can experience the game for the first time as I do. Enjoyed this video and want to see more? You can find past Gemhunter episodes here.

Tired Old Hack is an ad-free site for your browsing convenience. If you enjoyed this article please consider donating to my Patreon account.

Alternatively, if you’re a UK reader and can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this linkTired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.

Hack of All Trades #2 – PC Building Simulator (Xbox One)

Hack of All Trades is my regular video series in which I try out ‘simulator’ games based on actual jobs to see how well I’d fare doing those jobs in real life.

I recorded the first Hack of All Trades a mere fortnight before my daughter was born, so it’s hopefully understandable that episode 2 comes a mere 13 months later. Safe to say the third video will have a much smaller wait.

This time I’m taking a look at PC Building Simulator. Released on the PC earlier this year, it’s just launched on Xbox One, Switch and PS4. I decided to give the Xbox One version a go to see if I’ve got what it takes.

 


PC Building Simulator is available now on Steam, Xbox One, Switch and PS4.

In order that I could make this video, I received a code for the game from a PR. The content of the video was in no way influenced by this.

If you enjoyed this and other videos and want to help me make them more frequently, please consider donating to my Patreon account.

Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like what you read feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid here or there and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.

Donate with PayPal

Alternatively, if you can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link or Amazon US shopping via this linkTired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.

Sonic the Hedgehog Pizza Cutter review

There are some gaming releases that are considered monumental moments in the history of this relatively young medium.

The Magnavox Odyssey: the first ever home video game console, released in 1972.

The NES, which shook the industry to its core and revitalised a flatlining North American gaming scene.

The Sony PlayStation, which disrupted the normal Nintendo vs Sega war and showed that a new challenger could not only be successful, but dominate.

The Nintendo Wii, which opened up gaming to a whole new audience.

And now the Sonic the Hedgehog Pizza Cutter, which cuts pizza, but with Sonic and that. Continue reading “Sonic the Hedgehog Pizza Cutter review”

Fire Emblem: Three Houses ‘review’ in progress

Nintendo / Intelligent Systems, Koei Tecmo
Nintendo Switch

fire-emblem-three-houses-coverThere are two genres of console game that strike fear in the heart of reviewers: RPGs and turn-based strategy.

Both tend to take many tens of hours to beat, and given that this inevitably results in a need to ‘take our work home’ with us and commit a large chunk of time to them, the thought of reviewing one fills many with dread.

Yer man Scullion received review code for Fire Emblem: Three Houses about a week ago. Considering it’s not only the latest game in a much-loved turn-based strategy series but also has new features that make it more like an RPG than ever, it’s a lethal cocktail of free time devastation.

The reality, dear reader, is that this game can’t be beaten in a week. Not if you want to play it properly, and also have an adult life with a family and a job. As such, this isn’t a completed review.

After asking my lovely Twitter followers whether I should keep playing and turn in a review late, or just review what I’ve played so far, they showed their commitment to the cause by turning in a reliable 228/228 vote. So I’ve just decided to do the latter.

To make it categorically clear, then: this is not a full review. I have not completed this game. And from what I’ve been told by some peers, there’s a moment something like 40-50 hours in (that I have yet to reach) where shit goes down and everything properly kicks off, so this isn’t even a review of the meat of it.

What it should be, though, is enough to reassure you that Fire Emblem: Three Houses is bloody good, and well worth getting if you’re even slightly interested in the genre. Continue reading “Fire Emblem: Three Houses ‘review’ in progress”

TOH Game Club 4 – Phantasy Star

The first Tired Old Hack Game Club saw loads of players joining forces to play Zelda II together. The second saw almost as many people taking on StarTropics. Then we tried Earthbound and hardly any prick showed up.

It seems clear, then, that for now we should focus on games that are readily available on the current generation of systems, particularly the Switch. So let’s try again, this time with a game that’s currently on sale at a 33% discount until 25 July.


The idea

In case you missed the first three, the Tired Old Hack Game Club is a new group in which, for a month at a time, like-minded gamers can play through retro games together.

Instead of trying to decipher a potentially troublesome retro game and figure out what makes it tick by wading your way through terrible online FAQs written by 13-year-old amateur comedians, you’ll instead be able to take comfort in the fact that a bunch of other folk are also playing through the same game as you, and you’ll be able to talk to them about it.

alis

Stuck in a particular area? Struggling to get to grips with the game’s mechanics? Found a particularly cool trick and want to share it? Have you drawn your own map to help you get through a dungeon, and you want to proudly offer it to others to help them (not that you’ll need to for this one)? This is for you.

Each time we do the Game Club, yer man Scullion will pick a retro game for everyone to play together. These will almost always be games that are easy to get hold of and affordable: I’m not going to ask you to buy an Atari Jaguar and drop £80 on Alien vs Predator or anything like that. Ideally, nothing in the Game Club will cost more than £10.

Anyone wishing to take part in the Game Club will be able to join the discussion on the Tired Old Hack Discord server. If you haven’t already joined or are new to Discord, it’s essentially just a chat room with various channels: the Tired Old Hack one has channels dedicated to the site itself, Nintendo games, Xbox games, PlayStation games, retro gaming, off-topic and the likes.

As of right this bloody moment, the Tired Old Hack Discord server also has a channel called #game-club – this is where all your Game Club discussions can take place.

If you’re interested, then, follow this link to sign up to the Tired Old Hack Discord server, and join in the conversation.

Throughout the month I’ll be jumping in to share little tidbits about the game, and post old magazine articles, be that reviews (so you can see what people thought of it at the time) or tips sections (so you can get help like we did back in the day).

The future of Game Club relies on your participation, really. If only a couple of people do it and there’s no real enthusiasm for it, then I’ll scrap it and chalk it up to experience. If, on the other hand, it results in a lovely wee community of like-minded gamers discovering classic games for the first time together, then it’ll continue for as long as possible.

That said, sign up to the Discord if you’re interested and let’s get cracking! This month’s game is:


Phantasy Star

Master System, 1987
Sega

phantasy-star-coverFinal Fantasy and Dragon Quest may be the two big RPGs people always cite, but that’s probably just because Sega’s main Phantasy Star series ended way back in 1993 (with Phantasy Star Online taking over).

The truth is, Phantasy Star was every bit as glorious as Square and Enix’s efforts, and was well loved for its weird part-fantasy, part-sci-fi setting, the fact it gave you specific characters – rather than just having you naming a generic one – and the fact that the lead protagonist was female (which was rarer back then than novels written by giraffes).

Its music is incredible, its 3D dungeon system looked incredible for the time… and it’s so bloody difficult to play in the 21st century. You see, while many of its features were genre-defining back in 1987, just as many are infuriating these days: we’ve moved on a fair bit in the past 32 years, for the better.

As such, in recent times numerous eager gamers have started Phantasy Star in the hope of seeing what all the fuss was about, and become quickly infuriated by its incredibly grindy combat, its confusing item names and its enormous maze-like dungeons.

Thankfully, these days there are now two ways to play the game. If you want the old-school challenge you can find Phantasy Star on a few modern systems (listed below). A much better way to play, though, is the new Ages Mode version of the game that can be found in Sega Ages Phantasy Star on Switch.

This improves the game in a bunch of different ways, and makes it far more accessible for today’s era. Changes include:

• less frequent random enemy battles
• more XP and money for winning each battle (to make things less grindy)
• a new menu that describes all the items, equipment and spells (which are heavily abbreviated in the game and sometimes impossible to figure out)
• best of all, the dungeons now auto-map for you: a small map on the side of the screen fills itself in as you explore. No more sitting with a pen and paper trying to figure out where you’re going.

Long story short, if you’re new to the game, this is the best way to play it now.

phantasystar3


How to get it

There are a few ways to get Phantasy Star if you fancy taking part in this month’s Game Club.

• Obviously, as described above, the best way is to buy the Sega Ages version on the Switch eShop (especially since it’s currently on sale for £4.01).

• You can get it (along with Phantasy Star II and III) in Phantasy Star Collection on the Game Boy Advance.

• It’s also an unlockable game in Sega Mega Drive Ultimate Collection on Xbox 360 and PS3 (not the recent Mega Drive Classics on Switch / Xbox One / PS4).

• Finally, if you’re dodgy, you can obviously also run it on a Master System emulator.


Starting out

Phantasy Star can be a tricky game to get into: even the very first enemies you come across will probably boot your arse until you’ve levelled up a couple of times. Stick with it, though.

Even if you’re playing through the Sega Ages version on Switch you may also want to read through the original manual.

If nothing else, it gives you a little more background to the game’s plot, and has a section dedicated to the various weapons, items and spells you’ll come across.

Here’s that Master System manual as a PDF:

Phantasy Star manual

One thing the manual doesn’t tell you, and you may end up finding out the hard way, is that there are two items you really need to complete the game: without them things will be obscenely difficult, if not impossible.

The first is the Mirror Shield, which you need to beat Medusa. To get it, you have to talk to the village elder in Sopia, who’ll tell you where it is. Then you have to travel to Motavia and find the small island there: that’s where the Mirror Shield is.

phantasy-star-2

The other is the Crystal, which is needed to severely weaken the final boss’s attacks so he doesn’t kill you with one hit. It’s in the final tower, so make sure you find it before you reach the last battle with Lassic. I recommend saving regularly so you don’t miss either of these items.

You should now have enough to get started on your adventure. When you’re ready, hop into the Discord server to begin chatting about it with your new Game Club pals: how are you finding the game so far? Have you discovered any strategies to help you in the early stages? Are you stuck and not sure where to go next?

See you in the chat!

NOTE: One final request. If you’ve already beaten Phantasy Star and fancy yourself as a bit of an expert, by all means take part in the discussions but please don’t try to become some sort of oracle of knowledge. The point of Game Club is for people who haven’t beaten the game before to experience it together: having someone give them all the answers all the time ruins the fun a bit. Besides, nobody likes a smart-arse.

13 strange appearances by musicians in games

Celebrities and video games have always walked hand-in-hand ever since hot tennis prospect Stephen Pong was honoured with an arcade game about his life story. Okay, that’s a lie.

Regardless, there’s nothing quite like seeing a celebrity in a game, especially when their appearance is completely unnecessary.

In honour of these odd inclusions, yer man Scullion has decided to look back at some of the more interesting cameos made by musicians in video games. To be clear though, this list:

• doesn’t count full games based entirely on the musicians in question (that’s for another article), only games that feature them in something other than the sole lead role

• doesn’t count appearances in music games like Guitar Hero, because that isn’t strange

• does count ‘ensemble’ games starring multiple musicians in a non-music environment

Now then, let’s get stuck in.


Michael Jackson in Ready 2 Rumble Boxing 2

The original Ready 2 Rumble Boxing was a surprise hit: launching alongside the Dreamcast, its fantastically detailed character models and fast-paced arcade style boxing made it a joy for early adopters.

The inevitable sequel followed a year later, and decided to up the ante by adding a handful of celebrity characters: some authorised, others not.

The latter consisted of Bill and Hillary Clinton, known simply as Mr President and The First Lady (in the days when you could presumably get away with making a game that let you punch a then 53-year-old woman in the face).

As for the legit appearances, Midway Games decided to enlist two very different celebrities to star as secret boxers: enormous basketball star Shaquille O’Neal and… um, Michael Jackson.

michael-jackson-ready-2-rumble

This may have seemed like a surprise, but bear in mind two things: firstly, yer man Jacko was a big gamer, having worked a lot with Sega in the past.

Secondly, this was 2000, and Jackson’s star had lost its shine a tad following the first wave of ‘accusations’ in the mid-90s.

Although he was still a global household name, people weren’t buying his new material so readily, his latest album Blood on the Dancefloor only reached number 24 in the US charts. As such, I’m sure it was easier to get him on board.

Still, I’m sure there are plenty of folk who would have gladly taken the opportunity to punch him square in the jaw, something Ready 2 Rumble’s damage-based face-morphing trickery let them do.


Phil Collins in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories

There’s something bittersweet about getting to star in a series as massive as Grand Theft Auto, but turning up in a portable spin-off instead of one of the main entries.

Still, Vice City Stories on PSP (and later PS2) was a cracking little game nonetheless, no doubt because it was based on arguably the best GTA ever.

Given its ‘80s setting, the appearance of Phil Collins is a sensible one. Better still, he actually gets involved in a few missions.

phil-collins-gta

First you have to grab a bulletproof limo and pick him up as he arrives in Vice City by helicopter, avoiding the hitmen out to kill him (his agent owes a crime boss millions, you see).

Then you have to head to the local stadium, where he’s due to perform, and kill the assassins waiting there to make sure the venue is safe for him.

Finally, at the concert you have to stop even more hitmen who are trying to sabotage the lighting rigs to kill Phil.

Your reward is a ticket that lets you watch the GTA version of Phil Collins perform In The Air Tonight. Which is probably worth it for the drum solo, let’s be honest.


Five unwitting singers in Celebrity Sports Showdown

We all remember the glory days of the Wii and how, at its peak, it was home to an onslaught of ‘party’ titles packed with dogshit mini-games.

If you thought it was bad going into a shop and seeing them, imagine how it was for the Staff Writer / Games Editor of the Official Nintendo Magazine at the time, having to play all this guff. Actually, hang on, that was me.

One key example has somehow been forgotten by most despite its sheer strangeness. In 2008 EA decided to release a party game under its wacky ‘EA Sports Freestyle’ label (previously EA Sports Big) and called it Celebrity Sports Showdown.

The premise was as straightforward as it was nonsensical: hey, here’s a bunch of sporting challenges, and let’s have some famous sporting celebrities play them. Oh, and let’s have some musical celebrities join in too, for literally no fucking reason.

avril-lavigne-wii

I have no issue with the sporting stars. Basketball player Paul Pierce, women’s football legend Mia Hamm, figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, NFL running back Reggie Bush and boxer Sugar Ray Leonard all made sense in the context of a sports game, even if the events included beach volleyball and ‘rapid fire’ archery.

But if anyone on this planet thinks they can explain why there was also a need to include Avril Lavigne (the first one), Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, LeAnn Rimes, Keith Urban and Nelly Furtado, they’re a stinking liar.

They didn’t even get the celebs in question to record dialogue for their characters: it’s as if EA had made a generic sports game, realised it was a bit shit and decided to replace the character skins with famous faces to help sales. In fact, that’s almost definitely what happened.

I’m going to be covering this one in more detail at a later date, watch this space.


David Bowie in Omikron: The Nomad Soul

Omikron (known just as The Nomad Soul in North America, where it sold about three copies) was the first game developed by David Cage’s Quantic Dream, which became known for the likes of Fahrenheit, Heavy Rain, alleged sexual and racist behaviour in the workplace and Detroit: Become Human.

Like other Quantic Dream games it’s an ambitious adventure which aims for complete player immersion, though unlike the games that followed it there’s less focus on QTE sequences.

david-bowie-omikron

Instead, its main gimmick is that any time you die, you possess the soul of one of the other 40-odd NPCs found in the game world: take that, Watch Dogs: Legion.

Most notable, though, was the involvement of the legendary David Bowie. Not only did the musical icon compose 10 new tracks for the game’s soundtrack, he also lent his likeness to two of the game’s characters: an unfortunately named super-being called Boz, and the lead singer of a band who can be seen playing in various areas in the game.

Keeping it in the family, Bowie also managed to wangle it so that his wife, fashion model Iman, also appeared in the game as one of those playable NPCs.


Fred Durst in a couple of WWF games

Nothing defines the turn of the millennium better than Limp Bizkit and its red cap rocking, bumfluff-bearded frontman Fred Durst.

Love him or hate him (and for many it was the latter), young Frederick was the face of ‘nu metal’, with hits like Rollin’, Nookie, My Way and My Generation ensuring the band remained successful for at least a few years.

Ever keen to get involved in the latest craze, WWE (then known as WWF) also involved Limp Bizkit heavily in its programming.

fred-durst-wwf

Its music was used in some of its promotional packages (including the greatest one ever made), and more notably Rollin’ became the theme song for The Undertaker.

This all came to a head in 2001 with the release of WWF SmackDown: Just Bring It!, the third game in THQ’s popular SmackDown series and the first on PS2. In that, Fred Durst can actually be unlocked as a playable wrestler, even though physically he was about as tough as hummus.

A year later, he then featured in the Xbox exclusive WWF Raw, once again as an unlockable fighter. Raw was unique in that it offered nearly 180 different weapons(!) to use on your opponent, meaning critics of Mr Durst would have been in their element.


A shitload of rappers in the Def Jam trilogy

Speaking of wrestling, the greatest wrestling game ever made is THQ and AKI’s legendary Nintendo 64 title WWF No Mercy.

Although THQ foolishly decided it no longer required AKI’s services after the release of No Mercy, that didn’t mean the series was dead. AKI took its engine over to EA, who bizarrely said: “Hmmm. Let’s make a wrestling game… but with rappers in it.”

The result was Def Jam Vendetta, a grappler that used the No Mercy engine (albeit a faster version) but replaced the likes of The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin with artists from the Def Jam Recordings stable.

def-jam-vendetta

There are 13 rappers in total (joining a bunch of generic fighters), meaning you can boot rump as the likes of DMX, Ludacris, Funkmaster Flex, Redman or Wu-Tang Clan members Method Man and Ghostface Killah.

The sequel Def Jam: Fight For NY ditched the ring but kept the same mechanics, adding a bunch of new rappers to bring the roster up to 67. Step forward Flavor Flav, Busta Rhymes, Ice-T, Snoop Dogg, Xzibit, Warren G and even some women including Lil’ Kim and… um, Carmen Electra for some reason.

Most folk forget the third game, Def Jam Icon, but that’s because it was a bit shit. So let’s not worry about that.


The Beastie Boys in NBA Jam (twice)

NBA Jam is known for its high-flying, over-the-top basketball action and its love of all things crazy: one minute the basket’s being set on fire, the next the backboard is shattering into a thousand pieces.

That’s not all it’s famous for, though. Ever since the first game in the series launched back in 1993, each entry has included a whole host of secret characters.

These range from developers who worked on the game, to characters from other Midway games like Mortal Kombat, to actual celebrities.

beastie-boys-nba-jam

NBA Jam Tournament Edition was an updated version of the first game which included a bunch of new characters, including a few musicians. As well as both DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (Will Smith), you could also unlock all three members of the Beastie Boys.

A full 16 years later when EA rebooted NBA Jam for the Wii (it came to 360 and PS3 later), it once again got some hidden players, including entire teams full of Democrats and Republicans: Obama and Clinton vs Bush and Palin, anyone?

Best of all, just to pay tribute to the good old days, the Beastie Boys returned once again for some b-ball hijinks.


Snoop Dogg in True Crime: Streets of LA

In the early 2000s, the huge success of Grand Theft Auto III influenced countless other open-world crime games all trying (and usually failing) to replicate Rockstar’s magic formula.

One of the better efforts was True Crime: Streets of LA, which turned the tables slightly by having you play as a detective instead of a criminal.

It also included a supporting role from one Mr Snoop Dogg – aka Snoop Doggy Dogg, aka Snoopzilla, aka Snoop Lion, aka DJ Snoopadelic, aka Smooth Dogg – who appears in some missions.

snoop-dogg-true-crime-la

What’s more, if you collected 30 dog bones hidden throughout the game’s map (or entered a cheat code) you could unlock the Doggfather as a playable character.

Streets of LA was popular enough to spawn a sequel, True Crime: New York City, which followed in its predecessor’s footsteps by featuring another rapper, Redman.

A third game provisionally known as True Crime: Hong Kong was all but finished before Activision scrapped it, but not before Square Enix picked it up and released it as Sleeping Dogs.


Various rappers in RapJam: Volume One

Fancying a piece of the NBA Jam pie, Motown Records decided to make its own basketball game and released it under its short-lived Motown Games label.

RapJam: Volume One (there was no Volume Two) offered street basketball with a twist: all 18 playable characters are real-life rappers.

rapjam-volume-1

Yes, you too could finally shoot some hoops as Coolio, LL Cool J, Queen Latifah, Warren G, Yo-Yo or any of the members of House of Pain, Naughty by Nature, Onyx or Public Enemy.

The idea was a sound one in theory: with more urban legends than an all-night campfire story session Motown hoped that fans of each artist would buy the game to play as them.

Unfortunately, Motown forgot one tiny detail, and seemingly missed the bit in its checklist that said “don’t make the game a big bucket of wank”.


Avenged Sevenfold in Call of Duty: Black Ops II

The ninth game in the Call of Duty series has a fairly deep and serious story.

It’s set during two different time periods – the late ‘80s and 2025 – and continues both the story of two of Black Ops’ protagonists, and that of one of their sons.

It involves drug cartels, kidnap attempts, cyberwarfare, arms dealing and the eventual outbreak of the second Cold War.

avenged-sevenfold-cod

It’s all pretty heavy stuff, which is why it makes perfect sense for the end credits to show two of the game’s characters performing on stage with metal band Avenged Sevenfold.

Oh, and obviously don’t pay attention to the fact that one of those characters is actually Raul Menendez, the game’s main villain who hacks drones and uses them to attack major American and Chinese cities, and is referred to in the game as “the most dangerous terrorist since Osama bin Laden”.

As long as the lad knows how to play an axe, that apparently doesn’t matter.


Insane Clown Posse in Backyard Wrestling

With THQ in possession of the WWE licence, anyone else who wanted to make a wrestling game would either need to go with fictional characters or think outside the box a little.

Eidos decided to go with the latter option, and came up with Backyard Wrestling: Don’t Try This at Home, a wrestling game based on the growing popularity of kids with camcorders filming their own matches in their gardens.

icp-backyard

To give the game a little name value, Eidos enlisted the help of rap duo the Insane Clown Posse, who at the time were running their own independent comedy wrestling circuit called JCW (Juggalo Championshit Wrestling).

As such, while its 31-strong roster did indeed include a bunch of completely fictional characters, it also let players choose from ICP themselves – Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J – as well as their rapper chums Twiztid and various other JCW wrestlers.

Granted, there were a couple of legit wrestlers chucked in there for fun too: Sabu and Da Bone Doctor (better known as The Godfather) were included to keep wrestling fans happy. It didn’t really matter, though, because the game was a load of old sack.


Various rockers in the Tony Hawk series

Over the years, no fewer than nine music-based guests have appeared as secret unlockable characters in the Tony Hawk series of skateboarding games.

It all kicked off in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4, with the inclusion of an Iron Maiden song in the soundtrack leading to the ability to unlock the band’s mascot Eddie.

The following year, Tony Hawk’s Underground let you unlock KISS’s Gene Simmons, as well as a new stage set around a KISS concert.

james-hetfield-tony-hawk

2005’s Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland included Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day as well as rapper Lil Jon, while 2007’s Tony Hawk’s Proving Ground featured MCA from the Beastie Boys.

An HD remake of the original game launched in 2012 and added Metallica members James Hetfield and Robert Trujillo as DLC characters.

And spare a thought for Lil Wayne and Tyler the Creator, who were the unlockable musicians in the atrocious Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5, the comeback everyone wanted but ultimately regretted.


Fred Durst (again) in Fight Club

Finally, if beating Fred Durst in a wrestling ring a couple of times wasn’t enough to get it all out of your system, there was another more violent way to kick his head in.

The Fight Club game was released five years after the movie, but that doesn’t mean the developers were doing a GoldenEye and improving its quality by not rushing it to launch alongside the film.

It just means that a few years after the film came out, Vivendi Universal thought: “Folk are still talking about Fight Club, so let’s make a game about that. And let’s make sure the combat is as shallow as a paddling pool Kenny Baker’s pissed in.”

fred-durst-fight-club

If you fought your way through the game’s Arcade mode and completed it as every character, you would unlock Abraham Lincoln as a playable fighter (a reference to a single line in the film).

However, if you take on the fairly rubbish Story mode and beat that, you’ll unlock Fred Durst, meaning you can finally finish the job you started in the WWE games and boot the utter shite out of him.


If you enjoyed this and other articles and want to help me write them more frequently, please consider donating to my Patreon account.

Don’t want to commit to a regular payment? I’ve now got a PayPal ‘tips’ jar: if you like what you read feel free to chuck yer man Scullion a couple of quid here or there and help stock up my Irn Bru fund so I can continue working away like a bastard.

Donate with PayPal

Alternatively, if you can’t afford to support me on Patreon, please do your normal Amazon UK shopping via this link or Amazon US shopping via this linkTired Old Hack is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.co.uk and affiliated sites.