Category: Humour

The week in games – cancelled titles, starter Pokemon

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

‘The week in games’ is my new weekly series covering the week’s gaming news in a (hopefully) humorous way. If it seems familiar it’s because I tested it out with a couple of articles last year, but now it’s here to stay in a weekly form.

Losing its Spark

project sparkMicrosoft has finally properly cancelled Project Spark. The free-to-play game is no longer available for download, and if you already have it online services will be cancelled from August.

Anyone who bought the retail version of the game will be getting the price refunded into their Microsoft account. The company will be holding emergency talks to discuss how to recoup the £79.98 they’ll lose as a result of this. Continue reading “The week in games – cancelled titles, starter Pokemon” →

The day the console war stopped

Published on by Chris Scullion7 Comments

You may have heard the World War I story about how, on Christmas Day in 1914, British and German soldiers stopped their fighting for one day, opting to toss their differences to the side and instead play football and exchange gifts on No Man’s Land.

In my school, we had our own war. It was far more frivolous – lives weren’t lost and we used words, not weapons – but it still mattered to us. And on one special day, we had our own truce too. Continue reading “The day the console war stopped” →

Cover Me Badd #3 – The 20 worst Nintendo 64 game covers

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

Cover Me Badd is my regular series looking at the worst video game covers in history. Each article will focus on a specific format. If you missed it, catch up on Part 1: NES games and Part 2: SNES games.

It was a mere month and a half ago that I regaled you with tales of the 20 worst SNES covers of all time. Oh, how we chuckled.

If you still pine for that lovely time some 40-odd days ago, now’s your lucky moment, as we both continue our journey through shit box art memory lane. This time, it’s the Nintendo 64’s turn. Continue reading “Cover Me Badd #3 – The 20 worst Nintendo 64 game covers” →

World exclusive – A look at all the Sonic characters in Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games

Published on by Chris Scullion4 Comments

Mario_Sonic_-_Rio2016Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games, the fifth game in the Mario & Sonic series, is released in Europe on 8 April, which coincidentally happens to be my birthday.

The last Mario & Sonic game featured 20 playable characters, ten each from both the Mario and Sonic universes.

Recently Sega dropped a bombshell by revealing that another TWENTY characters would be added to the Rio game, on top of the 20 already there.

Naturally, this has led to some wondering what Sonic characters are left, considering the previous game had fucking Vector the Crocodile in it.

Well, here at Tired Old Hack I can finally bring to you this world exclusive look at every character in Team Sonic, thanks to Sega who gave me unprecedented access because of the whole birthday thing or something.

Enjoy, and remember where you saw this first – for future news bombshells, keep it tired and keep it old. Continue reading “World exclusive – A look at all the Sonic characters in Mario & Sonic At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games” →

Cover Me Badd #2 – The 20 worst SNES game covers

Published on by Chris Scullion4 Comments
This isn't in the list. That should tell how you bad I'm talking here
This isn’t in the list. That should tell how you bad the ones that made it are

Cover Me Badd is my regular series looking at the worst video game covers in history. Each article will focus on a specific format. If you missed it, catch up on Part 1: NES games.

A couple of months back I looked at the 20 worst NES covers of all time, and promised I’d continue by moving on to SNES games at a later date.

That later date is now, and so without further ado I now present to you the 20 worst SNES covers I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen them all. Continue reading “Cover Me Badd #2 – The 20 worst SNES game covers” →

Cover Me Badd #1 – The 20 worst NES game covers

Published on by Chris Scullion8 Comments

Cover Me Badd is the first in a regular series looking at the worst video game covers in history. Each article will focus on a specific format. And no, I haven’t misspelled ‘bad’, you pesky youngster.

Hammerin' Harry isn't in my list. So that should tell you something
Hammerin’ Harry isn’t in my list. So that should tell you something

As anyone who’s read my film review site will know, I’m a fan of shite things. If something’s painfully awful I’m right on top of it like white on rice.

One of my favourite examples of this is video game covers. If you know me you know I’m a massive retro gamer and over the years I’ve seen my fair share of terrible game box art, to the extent that I’ve become something of a crap cover connoisseur.

In the first Cover Me Badd article on Tired Old Hack I’m going to kick off by exposing the worst game covers for the console most dear to my heart, the trusty Nintendo Entertainment System. ‘Enjoy’. Continue reading “Cover Me Badd #1 – The 20 worst NES game covers” →

The week in games: Kojima’s birthday, Jimmy Kimmel

Published on by Chris Scullion1 Comment

gallery-hitman1Agent 47, the second movie based on the Hitman series of games, was released last week and currently has a score of 28 on Metacritic. Nonsensical, ill-thought-out and potentially financially devastating for people involved in it, Metacritic is a review aggregator that launched in 1999. Continue reading “The week in games: Kojima’s birthday, Jimmy Kimmel” →

The week in games: Jamie Lee Curtis, Five Nights At Freddy’s 4

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

Jamie Lee Curtis VegaJamie Lee Curtis surprised gamers by revealing she’d gone to the Evo 2015 fighting game tournament dressed up as Vega. It turns out she was there with the rest of her family as a graduation treat for her son, who’s a massive fighting game fan, but she had decided to wear the Vega costume for anonymity. Apparently, her son didn’t want anyone to find out his mum was in Christmas With The Kranks. Continue reading “The week in games: Jamie Lee Curtis, Five Nights At Freddy’s 4” →

The 30 best photos of Koichi Sugiyama

Published on by Chris Scullion3 Comments

Koichi SugiyamaIf you aren’t familiar with the name Koichi Sugiyama, you should be by the time this article ends.

Sugiyama is a music composer, best known for composing pretty much all the music from the Dragon Quest games, starting way back in 1986 with the original.

Now aged 84 years young, he was recently seen in Japan celebrating the announcement of Theatrhythm Dragon Quest, Square Enix’s latest rhythm action title, which may as well have just been called Sugiyama: The Game.

Sadly, he’s also a bit of a dick: back in 2007 he helped start a campaign arguing that the Nanking Massacre and the Japanese army’s use of women as sexual slaves during World War II didn’t happen.

It’s neither Sugiyama’s music nor his offensive attempts at revising history that draw me to him, however. His face does.

For a while, Sugiyama ran a website called Sugimania (not a joke) in which he posted news about what he was up to. This also included a handful of photo galleries showing him out and about.

These photos are bloody marvellous. And to prove it, here are my 30 favourite ones, in reverse order (keep going, they get superb).

And if the idea of making fun of an old man’s tourist photos sounds cruel, remember: he’s an absolute arsehole. Continue reading “The 30 best photos of Koichi Sugiyama” →

Nintendo E3 2015 Digital Event: exclusive script leak

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

nintendo e3And so we come to the end of my week of exclusive E3 script leaks.

On Monday I brought you Sony’s entire E3 conference, exactly as it will play out.

Then, on Wednesday, I did the same with Microsoft’s E3 conference. Neither should surprise you now.

Finally though, to show no company is safe from my investigatory skills, here’s the script for Nintendo’s E3 2015 Digital Event, which will stream next Tuesday. Enjoy. Continue reading “Nintendo E3 2015 Digital Event: exclusive script leak” →